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This is just where I'm storing all the surreal experiences I have, which I have often. or if I get an idea for a story. bear with me here.
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Walking in a place that doesn't feel like home. It hasn't felt like home since she left if it ever did, now it's just a place I come to every 2 weeks for a weekend. But walking on the dimly lit sidewalks of the neighborhood felt.. comfortable. Maybe because it was a place were I could stare off into space and let my mind wonder without being bombarded with questions, I know it can be concerning seeing someone dissociate but it's something I need to do. I'd much rather dissociate for a bit before I get completely overwhelmed by the world. It's an escape, and one of the few times my mind and anxiety calms. So this moment, walking to the beat of the music playing through my crappy headphones was amazing. It honestly feels like I'm the only one on the planet, no one outside. Maybe due to the fact that it's 8:46 pm and it's completely dark out, any trace of light lost a good 20 maybe, 30 minutes ago. The only light coming from the dim street lights, but every now and again there would be a long stretch of sidewalk that didn't have any lights, becoming significantly darker. Which could be terrifying to any normal person that doesn't like going outside when it's pitch black outside, but felt nice to me. I don't know why but I felt like i could just hide.. no chance of anyone seeing me and irrupting my thoughts and music. Right as I turned a corner everything stopped, as I no longer heard the calming whispers of my music but my phone ringing "shit..." I thought to myself. Knowing exactly who it was, not needing to look at the caller ID. dad.. I retrieved my phone from the back pocket of my jeans, sliding the green button to answer the call. "Laaaaaaa, I heard you went on a walk from Dee. But you could've just told me yourself" he said. That old nickname.. a nickname I've had since I was an infant, a nickname that only him and my uncle still use. And a nickname that reminded me that those two would really never know about me being trans, let alone accept me. "Sorry Dad, I didn't want to interrupt your gaming" I said, an excuse. In all reality I was just really scared to talk to my dad, I didn't know how to. "It's alright, i wouldn't care. I would've said yes anyway. Have a good walk and don't stay out to late." He said. Thank God he wasn't mad. I really didn't feel like getting yelled at. "Okay, thank you." I responded. He said a quick little yep and ended that call. I sighed "well that was fun..." I said to myself, that small call got my heart going because of how scared I am of calling my dad. And getting called by him even more so. I just shook off theanxiety that creeped up on me because of the call as best as possible, turning back on my music and slowly walk on the side walk. It wasn't the same anymore sadly, I've been snapped out of my calm state. I was know starting to feel the blisters forming of the back of my ankles from my boots, heavy doc martens that I didn't have the right socks on to be walking around with. Blisters were nothing new to me and I had many many scars and calluses from how many I've gotten in my long history of wearing boots. I just ignored it, trying to take a bit more care in walking trying not to rug them to much. As I continued walking and listening to music, sometimes singing along I got hit with very sudden deja vu. I saw a certain part of the sidewalk that looked extremely similar to a sidewalk where I used to live, being back memories of all the time I spent out there in the early hours of the morning and sneaking out.
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(This is a real picture of the sidewalk that gave me deja Vu)
All those times me and my best friends would sneak out at 2 in the morning to go to the play ground of the old school. Making me miss then.. before this pandemic and the stress. Things where still hard then but not this hard... I smiled.. remembering the people I love the most. I continued walking and listening to my music. I soon reached my dad's house. Walking in and feeling warmer.
(I'm sorry this is so bad I don't do stuff like this ever.
