*SORRY IT'S BEEN A FEW DAYS. LIFE KICKS YOUR BUTT SOMETIMES AND YOU NEED A BREAK*
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I Hope you enjoy:)
I was done way before Jackson, I didn't dwell in the shower literally just washed and got dressed. So now, it's almost midnight and I'm waiting for Jackson who's still showering.
Sat on my bed I was stressing, like majorly freaking out. Because we shouldn't have kissed and I am almost annoying myself for repeating over and over in my head that what just happened downstairs was so stupid.
Because i knew it wasnt that stupid, that i wanted to kiss him and that i was happy when he closed the gap between us. So why am i punishing myself so much?
I mean I knew I wasn't in a place for a relationship and I doubt Jackson was, or even wanted that from me. So why am I stressing?
We kissed. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy.
But I am a bitch for leading him on aren't i? 'Show me', what the fuck did I think was going to happen. For god sake.
And now my stomach is feeling all these kids of flutterings and i knew my body was just giving me a dodgy stomach because it's punishing me for getting close to someone again.
Oh shit, wait, maybe these are butterflies?
"Ives..." Jackson surprises me and as I look up at him. He's stood in my bathroom doorway watching me stress. A soft smile is on his face but I can tell he's concerned.
Which is even more annoying because he doesn't have to be concerned! I'm fine! I'm just questioning my life choices.
"Hi." I squeak and then close my hands over my cheeks in embarrassment.
Jackson's dressed in sweats and a cotton t-shirt. He looks comfy and he looks so attractive that it makes me want to cry. I really shouldn't be feeling the way I am, surely?
Dr Halpin says it's ok, that I'm doing good. I feel a mess of conflicted emotions to be honest.
"Are you ok?" He exhales a laugh and goes to charge his dead phone, crouching down by the side of my bed, plugging it in and then looking back up at me.
"Yes. I'm good." I nod in determination. Don't freak out Ivy, It's all good.
"I can tell when you're just trying to be ok.' He shakes his head, his eyes rolling slightly. "Are you overwhelmed about what happened downstairs?" Jackson says hitting the nail on the head and perching on the window seat opposite me.
"Maybe a tad." I say sheepishly, smiling apologetically.
"I don't blame you it was a lot, especially with everything that's happening at the moment. I really didn't mean to lose myself in you like I did. I know that it's too much for you."
I frown a little. I mean yeah, that's part of it but honestly, the stress I'm feeling hasn't got anything to do with Layton. Well, it does, everything always comes back to the fucking assault. But I mean more because I can't give him what normal girls can.
It's like when he's near my body forgets everything that it's been through, but then when he gets too near when he goes to touch me in places that are scared in my brain as things that Layton took it just freaks me out.
But he didn't trigger me, not like that. It's not how he thinks.
"This shit Jackson is way more complicated than I can even get my head around so I don't expect you to. You didn't trigger me, like at the end maybe a little. But it wasn't like what you're thinking. I think I was more scared because I wanted you to... you know. And that freaks me out. And also I feel so fucking bad because I keep trying to friend zone you and then leading you on. Like honestly why are you still here." I say this, my hands still covering my face.
We said that we would ignore it for tonight but obviously my rambling brain doesn't allow that.
Jackson frowns at me a little, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "I'm here because I want to be. I don't care if we keep breaking our little packed. It's not fucking with my head, I'm happy to just be here. Like we don't have to make this into a stress. You are my favourite person and sometimes Ivy I accidentally kiss you. And if you ever tell me no, I will immediately pull away. We just gotta keep talking no?"
Why is he so grown up? They say trauma ages you.
"You're so annoying." I say in frustration and lean back into my bed pulling the covers so they're bundled up on top of me. Suffocating me because i want to disappear.
"Ivy." Jackson laughs and walks over to the bed. Sitting gently and pulling the covers away from me. "Is this fucking with your head? Do you want me to leave?"
"Yes, its fucking with my head. No, I don't want you to leave." I say pouting and he shakes his head warmly at me.
"What's wrong?" He asks, sincerely. Waiting for me to put into words why this is so stressful to me.
"I don't know. You're being so reasonable. And I feel like I'm playing with your emotions and I really, really don't want to." I say, but in my brain, I know I just want to spit out the thought that's been going around and around in my brain.
"I'm a big boy I can deal with it. Let me decide whether I should be here or not yeah?" Jackson says, trying to comfort me but I'm still stressed.
I cover my eyes with my palms and I rush out what I've been needing to say.
"Jackson I can't sleep with you, I can't give you that. And you deserve someone who can actually... you know." I cringe tremendously. "And I can't be that person and you can't find that person when you're randomly kissing me."
"Ivy I'm not asking you to sleep with me." Jackson stifles a laugh as tried to pry my hands from face and when he does that successfully he holds them on his lap. His face turns serious and I avoid his eyes in embarrassment. "Do you really think I'm that sorta person? I read what you went through. I'm not trying to sleep with you." He reiterates. "I'm not looking for someone I can 'be with', for god sake."
I mean the repetition of 'I'm not trying to sleep with you' was a little harsh. What's wrong with me? Well we all know there's actually quite a lot wrong with me. Yeah why would someone like Jackson even want to get near me with a barge pole, what was I thi-
"Stop your face. I obviously didn't mean it like."
I try to smile at him, wincing because it's like he read my mind.
"Ives I'm not saying I wouldn't want to sleep with you. Oh god, I don't know what the right thing to say right now is." Jackson lies back dramatically next to me. Copying my move earlier.
"Have I fucked your head up yet?" I say quietly, amusement laced in my tone.
He rolls over so he's facing me. "No I've told you, I can deal with this. Can you?"
"What am I dealing with?" I ask hesitantly.
"Nothing, I'm just saying maybe we don't have to stress every time we get too close for what would typically count as friends?" He says and I side eye him.
"Are you seriously proposing friends with benefits?" I ask shocked.
"No!" He laughs. "Stop trying to label it. I just mean." Jackson raises his hand a little and traces it lightly from my collar bone to all the way down to my wrist. "Did that feel good?" He whispers.