Navy Blue Eyes.

Author's Note: the end

Hello.

I am alive.

I am, indeed, still here. 

I'm not even sure if anyone remembers this story now, but I never forgot. So let me do my best to tell you what happened here. 

It's been years, yes. My life went up and down and all over the place since we've last spoken. The worst part is, I checked this site sometimes daily, to see if I'd have the balls to finally post today. Well, I guess today was the day. 

So, I started writing this story when I was 17 years old, sitting in the surgery waiting room, waiting as my mom had her mastectomy. She had breast cancer. HAD. Luckily, she's now been cancer free for 5 years. At that time, I was her primary care taker, throughout treatment and recovery and such. My mom was not like Rowan's mom, again, something I am very lucky for. But there were other people in my life on which I based the sources of Rowan's pain. Basically, this book was my therapy for many many years. 

At first, writing came to me easily. I would start typing and would find myself three chapters deeper, having scripted 60 pages, and I would have to read them back to even remember the details because it was a flow. Then, things got worse in my life, and then better, then worse again, and then finally things got good. I began to heal. In those waves, it was sometimes easy to write, helpful even. Other times, it was too difficult to verbalize my pain, or to put myself into the shoes of someone in their moment because I was so wrapped up in my own. Finally, as the weight on my shoulders became easier to bear, I leaned less and less on my fictional voodoo doll of a character. I didn't need to see through Rowan's eyes t survive, I was able to gain insight and perspective on my own. 

And with that perspective and distance, I began to look back on Rowan as a treasured object of my childhood. I wanted to protect her, and enduring her pain was twice as excruciating – reliving my own darkest moments as well as inflicting them on the girl I loved so whole heartedly. I looked at this story as my diary, and returning to it was both torturous and terrifying. How could I continue this story now? How could I maintain the level at which I thought some of you might hold this work? How would I ever be able to do Rowan true justice?

The waves of my life have been ridden harshly, with trepidation in times and with ferocity in others. But ridden they were. 

Now, here we are. I am 23, weeks away from my 24th birthday. I wrote a chapter here and there over the years that have passed, but the truth is – I finished the last five chapters of this book in one day. And I'm not happy with them, but will I ever be? Probably not. Still, someday I'd life to edit this entire work. And that was my main excuse. "I'll finish this once I've reread it fully and prepared myself" or "once I've brought it all up to my adult writing standard" or "once I'm depressed enough again to even understand where Ro was coming from". The excuses were innumerable. But then one day, a few weeks ago, I literally just could not believe myself anymore. It was like finally seeing through an Ex's thin lies, seeing the creature below the facade. So I just wrote it out. Again, it's kinda some word-vomit, but it's done. 

SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE.

Done. Wow. 

It feels so good, and so sad, and so terrifying. 

I knew from about the mid-point of her story, where I would eventually bring Rowan. I know some of you will hate my decision. I would, if I were a reader, waiting years and then getting an unended-ending? But this is where she was meant to go. 

And Rowan's story isn't over. I make no promises about how or when it will be shared... but I will say that from about that mid-point of writing this, I knew there would be four books in total. 

Maybe you'd wanna see that, maybe not. But In the beginning, I wrote these chapters for me, and only me. I didn't post for a long long time. And I have to continue, for me. 

Anyway, I plan to answer questions, if anyone reads this, or anyone has any. If you have one, drop me a comment or two, and I'd love to communicate. I missed that a lot over the years. You people who once read this. In my darkest moments I would go back and reread your comments. The funny ones, the shocked ones, and especially the heartfelt ones. You were there for me in times when I needed it, and there for Rowan as well. I am Rowan, she is me, and she's also her own person, because you all own a piece of her too. I hope we can all share that part of our lives. 

Anyways, 

thank you

for reading this note, reading the book, for being here with me. 

There is just so much more I want to say, but it's 2 in the morning, so I think I should sleep. 

Love for always, 

MM xx

OH! Ps. I have a document where I broke down characters, storylines, chapter ideas, the story playlist, and a littler calendar that shows what happens when. If you'd ever like to see that, I can find a way to share it. <3