Healed by the Broken

Journey

7

I was spiraling. My mind was not functioning, my heart already stopped, my eyes refused to grant me visions and my lungs seem to suffocate me. Because I felt like I was drowning in a wild tornado. It keeps swirling and swirling carrying me to somewhere within myself, somewhere I kept my most feared chapters of life. Deep within that, I found someone who was locked in my darkest of chambers. She screamed so violently that my ears started to bleed. She was a murderer, living with guilt. I fled away from her because I never wanted her to control me. But how hard I tried I couldn't, I couldn't step away from her because she was already attached to myself. She had already brought her guilt within me. She screamed again, following with my screams, and then our screams became one. At that life shattering moment I realized why I couldn't go away from her, why her guilt affected me so much, why our screams became one - because she was a part of me. Suddenly the wild tornado disappeared leaving nothing but the reality behind me. From everything so colourful my vision went to nothing but so darkness. Because I wasn't ready to face my past, my sins, my pain, my feelings. And yes I was a coward.

Now looking at the face of five men sitting in front of me I felt deja vu.

"Amanda Rogers is not with me anymore. She is dead inside me." I said looking at the orbs of every person in the room. But again I knew I was lying. Who would be me, if not her? Who would think of him every night while sleeping and every morning while waking up, if not her? Who would die for him, if not her? Deep down she was there. Suffering and hurting herself just to exist so she can love him again.

"Then who are you, if not her?" Areson asked the same question that I asked myself. When I stared at his blue eyes I felt that he knew me for an eternity. When we first met, inside his blue eyes I once sensed the happiness that was long gone. Like that he must have found my weakness. Because at that time we were vulnerable in front of each other.

"Camilla Barnes." I replied.

"You may have changed your name, but you can't change yourself to another person." Areson said, his handsome face hardened. He spoke like he knew what I'm going through. But does he even know the intensity of that pain?

"I left everything to change, to start new." Yes it was the truth.

"It's sad how the once best killer of the mafia world left everything and went to hide instead of seeking revenge." Mason said, his voice filled with pity.

"It's my choice how to live, if you want to call me a coward you can. Because I don't care!" I said, my voice rising at the end.

"Then tell us Amanda Rogers, why you changed yourself and became invisible for four years when all the gangs in the world were searching for you? Why you didn't seek revenge? Why you backed away from your life?" Areson asked me.

His stare trying to unveil all my secrets. But he can't see through me, for that he must drown himself in me, he must search all my brightest and darkest seconds of my life. And no one would dare to do that.

I want to tell him all the answers to his questions, but even though I scream that aloud to the world to hear no one could grasp it. Because they want perfect answers to their questions, and I can't give them. They see me as a killer, as a merciless witch, not as a human, not as a lover, not as a fragile broken thing. I changed and left everything because I was alone, without him. Once life was hard for me but at the same time it was so beautiful that I was addicted to it, no I was addicted to him. Because when I was with him my happiness would reach the infinity and my life would bloom. He brought the best in me. No one in the entire universe knows my heart other than him because he had earned it with his love. Can you imagine what will happen to you if you lose that person?

Broken. Shattered. Pieces.

"What makes you think I would answer your questions Areson?" I asked him. My face never showing any emotions, but I doubt my eyes as his blue ones bore into mine.

"What would I have to do to get that answers out of you?" He dodged my question by asking one in return.

"I want to know how you found me." I replied without even thinking for a second. I was still shocked about the fact that they found me. I want to know the full story. I want to know where I made a flaw. The five of them exchanged a glance and they nodded. The older man started talking.

"First of all let me introduce ourselves. I'm Jacob Lanin, this is Ryan Becker and that one is Fred Slater. I assume you already know Areson and Mason." he said and I nodded. Now let the story begin.

"Most of the gangs were searching hard for you these past years. Some feared you might attack them back with a new gang so they wanted you dead and some wanted you to join in their gang since you lost your gang. So the search for you became aggressive. But none was successful." Jacob continued.

I felt like the whole world was mocking me. I was right, the world understand what they see not what they think.

"For past four years we were also searching for you until you moved here. Our sources confirmed that you were in our territory. We were not suspicious about you at first but we did a background check on you. We want you under our nose so we told Tom to hire you. It was all planned, even the guys in the bar who tried to hit on you. We wanted to know how you would react if they touch you." He paused for a moment. Fred continued the rest.

"And you reacted just as we thought. You fought exactly like a trained one. But we were still not convinced, because no one ever saw you in person. You always fought with the mask in the past. But when Tom tried to fire you, Areson had to help you out because we want you here to watch your moves.But we never thought you would go after Areson, the reason he talked to you like that was to make you believe that we didn't even know the you."

Then Mason said.

"The next day I came to you because we want to know more about you, and thought you would reveal something. But it never happened. To accomplish that mission we appointed someone. We know you were friends with her only so we chose her. Stephanie Donell. We even gave her two weeks time, but still you didn't reveal anything worth for us. By the time our sources about you came, we found out that there was only one thing to do to confirm that you were Amanda Rogers."

"The inking of your gang marked behind your back. To check that we sent our four men to you. You thought they were trying to kidnap you but they were not. It was just to confirm. Even though you gave our men nice treatment they found the inking at your back. We told them not to hurt but they said you wanted it rough. And now you are here, and you confirmed yourself that you are Amanda Rogers." He ended it with a half smile.

Like a flame slowly burning, something was slowly burning inside me. I felt that sensations growing inside me. Was it rage? Betrayal? My life in Havoc Los was nothing but planned. Sadly it was not planned by me, but by someone else. When I realize this I feel like an object. An object that everyone could toss and play. But why does it not hurting me? Maybe I was numb to pain. Maybe my heart was frozen without getting any warmth from a single person. And thinking about Steph, I feel pathetic about how I thought it will hurt me when I leave this place without her. I realized how the four men left me when they saw the inking marked behind my back. They had seen it when my dress teared apart, when I fell to the ground. Every gang has inking marked upon their member's body. Mine was on my upper back. It was a picture of three looped circle and at their center a star was drawn. The circles was decorated along with a quote.

"We choose you because we have faith in you."

Now what I wanted the most was the part of me which I had lost somewhere. The part of me who could take right decisions at the right time alone. The part of me who was happy and cheerful. The part of me who laughed out loud and smiled more. The part of me who was strong enough to be hurt. However hard I tried I failed to bring that part of me back because it was already dead within myself.

Rainbows decorate the skies but the rain make them alive. For a moment I wished to be a rain drop that make the sky alive and earth wet. Moreover I wanted to fall down freely and no barriers constricting me. I wanted to touch every flower in the world. I wanted to caress every child in the world. I wished to be a rain drop to melt down in the mud, to chase over the hills, to reach behind the valleys, to rise up to the mountains and most importantly to forget myself. To forget everything and drown to the deepest trench of the ocean where every rain drop rest eternally after their journey.