The Worst of Us

Incredibly Hard Feelings

I had agreed to watching the movie, but as Autumn fired up her computer, I was already overthinking the entire decision. 

Here I was, in the bedroom of the most gorgeous girl from school, about to watch a lesbian movie together. 

I really shouldn't be getting any ideas from this. Just because Autumn was a lesbian, that definitely didn't mean she was interested in me just because I happened to have boobs. There was absolutely no reason for her to be: she'd seen me at my worst. Plus, Autumn was going to find a girlfriend who was as pretty as she was. I was far too ugly and fat for her, and I wondered why these kinds of thoughts were going through my head anyway. Why I was considering these things. 

Autumn didn't like me that way, and I didn't like her that way, right? 

"I'm surprised you want to watch this movie with me." Autumn glanced at me over her shoulder with an amused smile, like she could somehow read my mind and saw my inner turmoil. "Figured you'd be too scared to with a lesbian in the room." 

Yep, she'd definitely read my mind. 

I felt my cheeks go red, even if I was pleading for them not to because I didn't want to show Autumn she was on to something. 

"Oh no," I hastily denied, though, I realised my tone was way too serious compared to Autumn's. She was probably just joking, and I was making it weird by reacting like this. 

"I mean, you can do better than me anyway," I tried to joke along, but I realised I was only digging a deeper hole by not changing the topic. 

I couldn't take it back now, though, and Autumn turned fully to frown at me. 

"Stop saying shit like that," she demanded. "Not just because it's not a good attitude in your 'new circles.'"

"Sorry," I muttered. "Though, to be honest, I don't think they're my 'new circle' anymore after tonight." 

"...Maybe that's for the better." 

Autumn's expression softened slightly, while I was the one frowning now at Autumn's words.

"Sorry?" 

"It's only causing you misery so far, isn't it?" Autumn sighed. "You just arrived at that conclusion a few years faster than I did." 

"It's not miserable," I protested, though, when I searched for words to explain why it wasn't completely miserable, it was difficult to find any. 

Talking to the other girls had felt like a minefield and I was one move away from stepping on a bomb that would blow up in my face. The guys, I had nothing to say to at all, except for Spencer maybe. 

And Jem. 

I guessed my 'relationship' with him had not been bad until tonight.  Hanging out during the break was nice. So was looking at him and kissing him, because he was seriously handsome. 

"Jem's alright most of the time," I finally offered. The one piece of evidence I could give to support myself. 

I suddenly wondered what Autumn's relationship with Jem had been like. She'd been a closeted lesbian while with him... had they even slept together like Jasmine and the others implied, or had Autumn held it off?

Autumn's shoulders rose and fall as she took a deep breath. 

"Jem's not a bad person," she said. "Kind of stupid, shallow, and very horny. But not bad." 

I shifted uncomfortably on the air mattress, remembering my conversation with Jasmine, Annabelle and the other girls earlier this evening. I still felt bad about what I'd said, even if I was supposed to fake it until I made it.