Dear Tressi [✓]

14

Tressi sucked in a sharp breath, which was a give away right there.

"Mrs. Lepoci?" she asked, trying to keep her voice even, like she hadn't heard him the first time.

"Yeah. Mrs. Gemma Lepoci. That's the person that called," he said, scrutinizing her face.

Tressi tried to keep her face from flushing. "Oh," was all she said; as if she'd forgotten he'd asked a question.

"Who is she?" he repeated, annoyance trickling in.

"She was our neighbour in Lapec." She didn't meet his gaze.

"Why's she calling you now?"

He had moved closer as they spoke, and now stood inches away from her. Tressi instinctively took a step back and Des's eyes widened as a response.

"How would I know, Des? I didn't speak to her, remember? You got the phone up here," she retorted looking away from him. Anger had always been a defence.

But Des caught in quickly. "You are being evasive. But why? Tressi what's going on?"

"I-I can't do this." She broke free from his grip and made her way to the bathroom.

Not now. I can't deal with this now.

Des grabbed her wrist, bringing her to a sudden stop.

"Tressi."

She could hear the warning in his voice. She briefly thought about struggling-shaking her wrist free and walking away-but that wouldn't solve anything. It'd just postpone the inevitable, with the added bonus of making Des angrier than he already was.

But man, did the timing suck. Why did her confessions always have to be when she was at her lowest? When her nerves were high strung with frayed emotions?

She slowly turned back to face her husband, eyes closed. She took a deep breath in and let it out in a whoosh. When she opened her eyes, Des was staring at her warily. And if this was him now, she could only imagine what it'd be like once she told him. She was taking a sledgehammer to his trust and the thought brought a lump to her throat.

"I went to Lapec this weekend," she muttered, looking down at the floor through tears that blurred her vision.

Not having the courage to look up, she continued addressing the floor, "I'm r-really s-sorry Des," her sobs sounded pathetic even to her. "I should've told you. I know. I said I was home but I wasn't. I lied. I'm so sorry. There's no defense really, except I couldn't stand not knowing. I had to go there, I had to..." she trailed off, as he started to pace. When she stole a glance at him, his nostrils were flared.

She gulped. How was she supposed to do this? There were no encouraging nudges this time.

"You are keeping secrets from me?" Even through the whisper the hurt in his voice was audible.

"P-please don't be mad. I didn't know how to tell you. I was so ashamed-"

"How about starting with the truth then for once? The whole truth. No omissions. I think I deserve it Tressi. After all this time I think I would think I had atleast earned a bit of your trust."  Des was right. More right than he knew because he didn't know the full extent of it.

She sat down at the edge of her bed as her legs gave way. Her head felt like it was going to burst open any second, but she knew she had to concentrate-give him every bit of information she had so she'd finally be free. A clean slate.

Des listened to her silently, not interrupting once. She told him about her visit to the institution, seeing Mrs. Lepoci, Mr. Lepoci's notes-everything. She included all the details she remembered: every snippet of conversation, the places she'd gone, the people she'd met. And when she produced Mr. Lepoci's notes from where she'd hidden it away among her clothes, it looked like Des's eyes were about to pop out of their sockets. Perhaps he'd never realised the extent of her commitment to this.

When she'd finished speaking, she gathered enough courage to study his face, but immediately regretted doing so. Every single fear, every single doubt she'd ever had, every single uncertainty that she'd dealt with over the years-it was all plastered on his features. The very thing she'd wanted to avoid.

And, she still hadn't told him what drove her to dig this all up in the first place after all these years-the pregnancy test. Albeit it was negative, she still felt terrible keeping him out of the loop.

Before she could take the leap and blurt it out, Des spoke with his voice even, "Clarify something for me. If this is what you'd decided, to delve back into your past and... investigate what happened, if you were so sure this was what you wanted, then why did you agree to see a therapist? Why did you tell me that you wanted to move past this and let this go? Was it another lie?" His mouth twisted as he asked her that.

Tressi looked horrified. "No. No. No, Des. You're getting this all wrong. I wasn't lying at all when I said I want to work through this and let this go."

Des held up the notebook, silently negating what she'd just said.

Tressi hurried to explain, "It's just... you have to understand. It's like... there are... two parts of me," she rubbed her temples as she struggled to find the right words-something that would explain what she didn't understand fully herself. "The old Tressi, the part of me that still can't get over what happened wants me to do this. It never lets me forget, reminding me everyday through my dreams and sometimes even when I'm awake. This is the part of me that I've known for six years.

"But then, there's a new one, the part of me that is so happy with my life right now, that the mere thought of something knocking off the balance is unimaginable. It can see how bad this obsession would be for us, how it consumes me. It's strong enough to quiet the other one that's been there for so long. So when I say, I can't let it go and that I need to figure this out, it's very true"-she looked up at him to meet his gaze squarely, so that he'd know, what she was about to say was plain truth-"But what's equally true, is when I say I want to move on. I want to forget all this and just concentrate on us; leave all this in this past where it belongs."

"So which one are you going to choose?" he asked, his voice not betraying any of his emotions, leaving her clueless as to what he was thinking.

In the end, that was what it came down to.

When the choice is between love and sanity, what would you choose?