I arrive home to chaos. Music pouring through the red brick walls. My stomach drops. I'm screwed. I screech to a stop, my blood boiling. I'm going to kill him! I throw open the door to my Volkswagon bug and in my anger almost slam my hand in the door. I look across at the mass drunken high schoolers walking haphazardly over our perfectly landscaped yard. Mom and Dad are going to freak.
In a disbelieving haze, I storm up to the front door parting the red sea of horny teens like Moses. Saying things like "Move it!","Out of the way!" "Stop peeing on the lawn ornaments!" and "Jared... really? Her? I thought you had standards." The party-goers take one look at me and decide to slink away, avoiding eye contact. I can't say I blame them. I was about to commit murder and I wasn't going to leave any witnesses. Well not "murder" murder, just word murder. Murder the Eminem way. He was about to be hit by the full fury of the dictionary, well not literally but that would be a good murder weapon. Like a game of clue, it was Tami at the kegger with an oxford dictionary.
I wrap my hand around the newly installed doorknob and enter the cool interior entryway of our beautiful Martha Stuart worthy house. My jaw drops at the sight of empty beer cans, red solo cups, and paper plates with half-eaten pieces of pepperoni pizza strewn across every nook and cranny of our normally magazine-like house. I feel the vein in my forehead bulge at the sight. Remembering what my therapist said, I count to ten. One...two...three...four...oh forget it.
"BRODY!" I shriek. "YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE OR SO HELP ME I'LL CALL MOM AND DAD." A hush falls over the frat party like scene.
"Damn!" Someone whispers under their breath.
"Time to dip." Someone else exclaims awkwardly.
"Huh?" A very drunk Brody, my brother, mutters as he stumbles out of his bedroom in his boxers with a half-dressed blonde, with lipstick smeared on her face, and on Brody's too. "Oh shit!" And sprints towards the back door, throwing the blonde in my way to keep me from following.
"Oh no, you don't!" Pushing the already disoriented blonde into some random football player I dash after him throwing slices of pizza at him to slow him down. He dodges them so I decide to throw something bigger I grab the thing nearest to me, a beer bottle I chuck it at his butt a BIG target but not as big as his fat head.
"Are you crazy Tami?" He screams like a little girl as we circle the island like I'm the shark and he's the prey.
"You bet your ass this house will be clean before mom and dad get back!"
"Um, Tami?" I just stare at him. "Tami!"
"What!" I finally exclaimed.
"They're already here..." I spin around and see my mom standing in the entrance of our house, holding an empty beer can in front of her. A murderous glare on her face.
The following exclamations have been filtered in order to keep it PG-13.
I'm gonna *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* you *bleep* *bleep*
YOU ARE READING
"I Thot You Had Standards"
HumorTami comes home after a long night to find that her brother had invited nearly the whole school to their house for a party. Her parents are minutes away and so is her next mental break down.
