𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬 | 𝐤𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐢 𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐠𝐚 [UNDR EDT]

proem | I

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Ten years ago, I made a promise to someone very special to me . . .

'Tetsu-tan, I will follow you down your path no matter what!'

. . . Back then it had been so easy—to spout adolescent promises to him without knowing the true meaning behind the words and yet I still spoke of them, freely, without caring of the implications. To him, I could say almost anything without his judgment, watch as he hung off my every word as if it were a martra and I would be lying if I said it didn't flatter me.

I guess you could say, in our own bizarre way, we were learning how to be friends with someone.

Sometimes, I shut my eyes and remember that day well and once again I'm back on the grass in his back garden, sipping vanilla milkshakes, watching the sun go down, counting the stars as they lit up one by one in the setting sky. In all honesty, I think that was the first time I had seen him smile.

It might have been then when I truly understood him, finally figured him out and pushed through his stoic, cold, disposition. And perhaps it had been the same for him too, although neither of us were particularly skilled at telepathy nor did we have the incantation to. Because, ultimately, Kuroko Tetsuro was neither heartless nor inhuman; he was a boy, the same age as I, and he had feelings too, hidden under those blue eyes and zipper-lips and all I wanted to do was protect him—from then on—now that I knew him, truly.

Before then, I had, almost too willingly, branded him as someone I had to fix, like some fractured porcelain doll, seeing as he was nearly always alone, sat on the same bench everyday with the same drink and far off look as he stared longingly at the other kids as they played happily. Tetsuya acted like he cared little for friendships, turned away from me as soon as I'd approach him in the beginning, but with time and persistence, I realised that was all he had wanted. Three words I had shouted to him, to a turned back, and that was all it took: let's be friends. And then, suddenly, we both found our assumptions changing, morphing into such an affinity that we found ourselves doing everything together, so much so that others had thought we were kin. I won't stop being friends with you till you ask me to stop, I said to him once, and from then on it was expected for us never to part.

Nevertheless, all good things, notably in my life, inevitably come to an end and, in the end, the person who made the promise, the one who had chased after the boy and given him that hope, ended up being the one who broke it all. And what I had forgotten to venture and pinpoint in my mind was that perhaps he wouldn't be able to cope with it.

'Dad's moving me to Italy,' I said, as we sat in a field of corn on a late Wednesday evening. 'He says it's for his job but I think he wants to get away from the family.'

Tetsuya didn't say much. 'When are you going?' He was acting like he did before we were close, all callous and unwavering, and I bit my cheek to calm my raising irritation. This seemed to be his default whenever he hated the sound of something and even though I was used to his regular bouts of rigour, it still didn't change the fact that it annoyed me when he used it against me.

'I don't want to go,' I said, defensively. 'He's the one who can't deal with it.'

He hummed, nonchalantly. 'So soon, then?'

I nodded. 'Next month.'

'I see.'

'Tetsu-'

'It's fine.'

'No, it's not!' I said. 'Please, don't act like this. Don't act like you don't mind.'

'I don't mind.'

'You can't say that.'

I was being self-centered, I knew, wanting his friendship and considerations to myself, but sometimes it was so difficult. Like some starved vulture, I had captured Kuroko Tetsuya for myself, and even though I convinced myself I wasn't smothering him, there was a part of me that knew I was keeping him from others, almost purposefully. It never used to be like that, not in the beginning. Though, I had gotten so used to it just being the two of us that I seemingly pulled him away from the rest of society.

And now, I was leaving, suddenly and unintentionally, without any consideration on how it would affect him. I had taken him away from everyone, only to drop him and leave him left alone again.

At the time, it never occured to me that what had brought me down into total egoism was jealousy; over nothing and everything about him: his lack of presence, the way he spoke, the look in his eyes whenever he found something beautiful, his smile, how he found joy in everything but was too embarrassed to ever admit it. Sincerely, there was nothing about Tetsuya I didn't admire. And yet, I was choosing to leave it all behind.

Back then, your dream was always mine. I wonder when that changed?

Tetsuya shrugged. 'You forget I've heard it all before,' he said, eyes focussed on the ground beneath us. 'You're not the first person to leave me.'

'Don't say that!' I shouted, though I couldn't deny the truth in his words. 'Don't you dare say that!'

'Say what, Souma-san? The truth? It's not just your father who's running away, it's you too.'

Wide-eyed, I stared at him. Did he know? In all honesty, even if he did, I shouldn't have been so surprised. Three-years of friendship had brought us this far, so close we were considered siblings by everyone, and yet I still questioned it. When had I become so naive? So far away from him that I forgot how well he could construe my every thought. The mere sentiment made me want to cry.

'I saw the letter,' he began, still refusing my gaze. 'You've gotten a scholarship in Italy . . . good for you. You'll be running with the Bologna Hounds, right? That's amazing, Souma-san. Now you can follow your own path without me.'

'You don't need me.' The reply was meek. 'You've got Ogiwara-san. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. Your dream has already been sealed.'

With that, Tetsuya pushed himself off of the ground with some sort of chafe-driven haste. Still not daring to look me in the eye until the last minute, he clenched his fists tight and I watched as his knuckles turned white. A part of me still wishes to this day that he had never looked at me because even now that hateful glare which pointed towards me so malevolently is something I have never forgotten; and the words, spat and laced with truth, were just another fuel to the ache.

'You're so selfish, Souma Hotaru.'

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