𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 ☾𝐭𝐚𝐞𝐠𝐲𝐮

𝐜𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐨

i opened my mouth, then closed it. then i opened it again, slowly beginning to resemble a gaping fish.

to say i was taken aback was an understatement. i was in full shock at your question, even more so when you looked unfazed at my reaction. almost as though you had actually said it, which made me more shocked because surely i was hearing things.

"what?" i finally managed to get out, my already slightly widened eyes widening as i spoke.

"you heard me. date. me." you repeated so easily before grabbing my wrists, "please?"

a fiery heat crept up my neck, and i wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and die. to me, there was nothing more embarrassing in the world than blushing.

especially blushing in front of you.

"again, what?" i asked, because i knew there was a catch. my life, sadly, wasn't a drama and it never will be.

"i need to make soobin jealous." you explained and the feeling of consternation i was awaiting finally hit, however it hit much harder than i thought it would. i don't know why, but i was hoping there wasn't a catch even though it was obvious there was one from the beginning. i was hoping my life was a drama, and i was hoping you actually loved me.

"you've been listening to huening rant about twice fanfictions, haven't you?" i scoffed, placing my hand flat on your chest to push you away because you were too close to me for my heart and the flowers growing in my chest to handle.

"what do you mean?" you gave me your signature pout, and my heart swelled.

"things like this never work-"

"yes they do, soobin's gonna get jealous a-and he's gonna come back to me." you argued and i was really going to insult your idea again, but the sound of your voice cracking caused my heart to shatter a little.

"please, tae." you added, looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.

i glanced at the floor, not being able to handle how desperate you looked in this moment. it hurt me how much you needed soobin, and it hurt  me that the only way i could fix your pain is by agreeing to date you. my mind felt like it was split in two, both sides whirring a million thoughts a second in opposition to the last.

on one hand, i wanted to help you and i didn't want you to be so distraught like this, but on the other, i didn't want to die and i know i'll physically die if i have to pretend to be with you. i know the flowers will choke me out if you end up getting back together with soobin.

"okay" i spoke before i could stop myself, my hands beginning to shake slightly in pure fear.

i had just chosen you over my life.

and i didn't even regret it yet.

"really?" you smiled and my heart swelled further because, f*ck, you were so clueless. you didn't understand how risky me agreeing to all this is.

"of course." i forced a smile, "i'll do anything for you." is what i imagined i had included in my sentence.

"you'll genuinely date me?" you asked again with that same endearing smile, and i nodded my head because i didn't really wanna speak anymore. i couldn't help but feel sick. the kinda illness you feel when you're awaiting doom. like when you've smashed a plate and you're waiting for your parents to come home and scold you.

"don't catch feelings though." you joked, and i had to squeeze my eyes shut to contain tears.

"don't you know it's too late for that?"

"i should be saying that to you." i joked instead, even though i was literally dying to say the words that i always pushed to the back of my mind.

"maybe you should."

"that's what he said?"

"yeah, and now he wants me to come over to his. i lied and said i had chores to do at home first though." i picked at my jeans as i spoke, one of my habits whenever i was nervous. another habit was talking to my mother, or calling her when she wasn't around, and ranting to her about what was making me nervous. somehow, she always managed to sneak on her phone during work and i didn't know whether to be concerned or impressed.

"but beomgyu's always been flirtatious, so i don't know what to think about the 'maybe you should thing'. i think he was only joking though. it was just hard because it triggered my hanahaki." i added, picking at my jeans more intensively as i did so because the thought of what i had to go through at school today made me shiver.

"it happened during school again? was it painful?"my mother's concerned voice only made me feel more bad than i already did.

"i-it always hurts." i spoke truthfully, because it did. the coughing fits always hurt. some were just higher on the pain scale than others.

"you know what i mean, was it more painful than the last?"

"n-no, it was tamer this time." i reassured, and i could hear a sigh of relief from the other line.

"you said he wants you to come to his, right?"

"yeah. should i go?" i asked, and i'm not sure why. i just wanted to feel less crazy for actually wanting to go to yours.

"you know what my answer is. i don't like you around that boy, tae. if you can't confess to him, then i don't know why you can't just-"

"mum." i cut her off weakly. i didn't want to hear it anymore. i didn't like it when she talked about me getting surgery, because i don't want it.

𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

its two am and im crying ab txt help 😭