from my head to my middle finger

05 sober

Gerard promised himself to help Frank get clean.

He knows it's not up to him, neither is his responsibility. But he promised to be a friend, and that's what friends do. He got rid of all the alcohol in the apartment, as well as all the drugs he could find in Frank's drawers. He was surprised with what he found.

He forced him to take a shower. Frank gave him puppy eyes and told him to help him wash his hair, but Gerard knew it was a trick. 'We're just friends, remember?'

He invited Mikey to stay over a couple days, knowing they got along well. 'What are you doing here?' Frank asked surprised when he came through the door.

'I had a couple days off at work, and thought I'd visit my brother,' Mikey said. 'Oh, and Gerard, too, I guess.' Fortunately, Frank bought it. The real purpose of the visit was so he could take care of Frank while Gerard went off to work. They'd play video games all morning, and went to get Mikey a new bass. When Gerard got home, he'd cook something for them, and they'd sit and watch something. And Frank would always make his way next to Gerard, leaning his head on his shoulder. Gerard had noticed Frank was just like that, there wasn't any sexual motive behind it, he just enjoyed Gerard's company and friendship. Or at least, he liked to believe that.

One day Frank called him from the bathroom. 'I need your help!' When Gerard got there, Frank was smiling at him, holding an electric shaver. 'I need you cut off my hair.'

'What?' Gerard said, surprised at the gesture. He really trusted him that much.

'I'm done with this. I need a fresh start.'

'Fine by me. How much?' he asked grabbing the shaver.

'All of it.'

'For real?'

'For real. But do it now before I regret it.' So Gerard did as he was asked, leaving Frank with a shaved head, that looked kinda weird after only knowing him with his long hair, but now he could see his face all the time. 'I like it,' Gerard admitted, talking about his face, not the haircut.

'Nice.'

The day after Mikey left, Gerard convinced Frank to go out to eat. He hadn't gone out in days, so Gerard tried to cheer him up. They went to the vegan burrito joint down the street, and then for ice cream, and Gerard tried to get him into talking. 'So – have you made plans to go to work? Or what are you doing?'

'I don't know. I don't really wanna go back to that job.'

'Why?' Frank didn't say anything, but it was clear something bothered him, so Gerard got the clue. 'Oh! He works there?'

Frank nodded. 'He helped me get the job when they kicked me out of the band.'

'Did they – ' In that moment he felt he didn't know a lot about Frank, and made him feel like a bad friend.

Frank shook his head, struggling say whatever he was going to say. 'Okay – so remember when I told you I was in a band? So during that tour, we hooked up. We thought it was nothing, we were both high, we thought we'd never see each other again. Then, a couple years later, my addiction got worse, and we had just recorded another album. That's when we run into each other, and it turns out we still liked each other, but he was still in the closet. But we'd get together, and you know – anyway, it got to the point where I couldn't even play or stand straight for two minutes, so they kicked me out. And thanks to Bob, they hired me as a studio musician right away. So yeah –'

It kinda explained a lot about him.

'Okay, I can't give you another job,' Gerard said. 'But we can go job hunting if you want.' Frank smiled at the thought.

'At this point, I'd take whatever.'

Gerard helped him look online for jobs in the music business, while he emailed some people he knew. They spent all day having a friend date – Gerard literally mentioned it every other minute, emphasizing on the friend part. They went to a music store, and Frank applied there, too. They went to the movies, and stopped at the park to see a girl playing the saxophone. Frank said hi to every dog, and Gerard noticed how much he liked them. 'We should totally get a dog.'

'For real?' Frank got all excited, and Gerard thought about surprising him with one. That'll probably help him get sober, he thought.

They made it home, where Frank begged if he could sleep in Gerard's bed again. 'I'm not ready to sleep on my own yet.'

Gerard nodded, and Frank sat next to him. They kept their hands to themselves, even though Gerard wanted to kiss him so bad, but he knew Frank wasn't ready yet. 'Four days sober, huh?' he said, and Frank just smiled proudly at that. 'How does it feel?'

'Better. But I'm not quite there yet.'

'I know. But I'll help you.'

Frank nods. 'Can we talk? I know you said you're my friend, and you'd be there for me, but I don't know how to open up to others. I just wanna know it's okay to tell you this, and that you won't judge me.'

'I won't.'

'Okay.' He sits with his legs crossed, in front of Gerard. Very much like that day he found him in the bathroom. 'It's just that – I know I was the one who screwed up. I did sleep around, not just that day, but for a while.'

Gerard nods. He's not surprised.

'I just don't want to make it seem like he hurt me or he left me, when it was all my fault. And I was the worst boyfriend.'

'You're not. There are worse people. But I'm glad you acknowledge your mistakes and own it. That says a lot about you.'

'Is it bad that I want to apologize to him?'

Gerard tried to eat his pride. He knew they weren't over, he knew one day he'd talk about him again. But he was hoping Frank would forget about him and maybe, just maybe make a move. But he did say they had to be friends first, so he'd be a friend. 'No, it's not. It's actually mature of you.'

'Just to apologize, you know. I don't know if I'm ready to be with him again.'

'Whatever it is you need, I'll be here.' Even if you want me to go.

For his one week anniversary of being sober, Gerard stopped at the grocery store to get him a cheesecake, and flowers. Not in a romantic way. He just wanted him to feel appreciated and cared for. But who knew? Maybe if the time was right, he'd dare to kiss him.

He opened the door to the apartment, already too excited for what my happened. 'Frankie! I'm home! I have a surprise for you!' But he didn't see him. He might be in his room, he thought, so he went and opened the door to Frank's room, only to find him under Bob while he fucked him.

Fuck no.

No.

This can't be happening.

Gerard looks at Frank, who looks only half conscious, before he notices Gerard there, and gets embarrassed.

'What the fuck?' Bob yells. 'What the fuck are you doing in the room? Get out!'

'Me? What the fuck are you doing here?'

'He called me!'

He did?

He did say he wanted to apologize. But he thought he didn't want to be in a relationship with him again. Maybe he lied.

Gerard felt betrayed. He had done everything he could to keep him sober, and he'd do more. But it was clear Frank didn't want to stay sober. He just wanted Bob.

'What the fuck, Frank? What the fuck?' He didn't have anything else to say. He cared too much for him, but it wasn't enough, apparently. Frank looked back at him, his eyes distant, not really sure what was happening. Gerard then turned to Bob, crying. 'He was sober for a whole week! You ruined everything!'

'You really think it's my fault he's like this? Fuck you.'

Gerard gave up. It hurt to leave Frank like this, but he couldn't do anything about it anymore. He just grabbed his stuff, put it back in his bags, and left the apartment.