Sound of the Untold Secret

👂 a nightmare 👂

This isn't a vacation.

It was as if I already knew right there and then, things weren't right that moment we were set on the water.

The splashing sounds of the water wave into my ear, my eyes unable to stay focused against the swaying floors of the yacht. I remember it all so quickly, so clearly, like in a lucid dream.

I wanted to hurl. Again, it was too late.

Mom was already crying, holding me by my armpits and holding me up to the fishermen on the other boat. "Please! Please, at least just the child! Just the child, I beg you!"

Her voice was shaking and cracking. Little me had known very few of what was actually happening. Dad had told me many things to keep me assured that everything was fine. But his forehead bathed in sweat, his brows furrowed in sadness, fear, and worry.

Mom wanted the fishermen to have me. She was giving me away. I wanted to hate her for that.

"Are you sure, ma'am-?!"

"YES PLEASE JUST TAKE THE CHILD, HURRY!!! TAKE HIM SOMEWHERE SAFE!!!"

The fishermen took me with hesitation. A man with a straw hat and a bushy moustache took me by my shoulders as he had me look at my mom. The men, my dad, and my mom all had tears in their eyes.

Mom traces her tender fingers over my cheeks, caressing them gently. At this point, I realize.

It's happening again.

Mom was so beautiful, her hair twirled into different directions. Her eyes were swollen, she looked at me with pain. But for the twelve-year-old me, she still looked very well.

Everything is so numb this time. "Taufan. Promise me, you'll be good, okay? Be a good boy while Mommy and Daddy are going somewhere, okay?"

"Mommy, what's happening...? Where are you going...?"

I felt confused, hated. I thought I was going to be abandoned.

I thought this vacation was going to be for the three of us.

She speaks too fast. Like I could feel her heartbeat racing. "The fishermen will send you home, okay? They know where we live-"

Tears are already welling in my eyes. "Mommy, what's happening?! Are we going home?!"

Dad took over this time. By the yacht, mom wept on his back. They knelt there, hopeless. Land nowhere near, and me with the fishermen on the boat. "Son, we won't be able to fit on that boat, okay? You go home first-"

"No, mommy, daddy!!! I'm not leaving you!!!"

My brain processes fast. They're not giving me away.

I drift away in the boat, Mom and Dad shifting further from my sight. "We love you, son!" Dad cuffed his mouth to yell.

"Stay safe, sweetie! Mommy and Daddy loves you always!" Mom cries out to me.

"Mommy~!"

Their voices echo away in the night sea.

The fishermen wish to send me home.

Mom and Dad's yacht sink into the waters, glistening under the moonlight.

The next thing I know, I'm sitting up, gasping for air while I latch my fingers into the soft thing I'm sitting on.

I think it's my cushion.

My nails dig into the meat of my hand, and upon reflex, I pull my other hand for me to bite on.

The fear terrorizes every bit of me. Even when I see my room, the night sky behind my curtains, and my feet level on the bed, I continue to shudder.

I want to cry.

It doesn't take long. Usually it's just a bunch of agonizing seconds of me struggling to know where I am. I think I'm okay now though. And I continue to talk in my head, with my fingers being bitten by my teeth. I still try to follow my grandfather's words, however, even though right now, everything seems like a blur.

I lose control. But I try to gain it back. My breathing trembles. I look at my finger to see the deep teeth marks on it.

It was another dream. That very dream again. You're fine. You're safe. You're not at sea.

I want to cry again. So I eye the rippling tears in my eyes. The ripples morph into waves. My room fades away.

The vision of the water comes before my eyes.

No.

It's over. You're at home. You're safe. You're not at that boat. Stop thinking you're there again. You're fine, Taufan. You're okay.

You're not there.

You're not on the water.

But the water is right there.

It's just a dream.

But my parents...

...my parents are dead.

Mommy and Daddy are dead.

The water returns to my sight. No, no, no, no, not the water again, please.

My brain continues to ramble. It's always like this. The memories return. Voices. People asking me questions. Like why I barely speak of it, why I actually don't speak at all.

I only try to distract myself with the thought of my college classes tomorrow. No, wait, I moving to my dorms tomorrow. Mom...Dad...

Mommy...her tears...the water...I can't sleep.

I guess nothing is going to ever stay the same.

Nothing.