Lost at What-If

Chapter One

Heyyyy I'm back with more L.A.W. AU! Are you glad? Scared? Excited? You should be! But mostly scared, I think. 0.0

WARNINGS: depression, self-deprecation, feeling worthless, food mentions, Angst

Enjoy it, my little chaos demons.

Logan wasn't one to dwell on past mistakes. Not anymore. He actually tried his hardest to ignore the past entirely, if it was possible. Obviously, with some things, such as dealing with Roman's trauma, personal growth, and memories he was fond of, he made an exception.

Despite that, Logan wasn't a fan of nostalgia. Because despite the numerous wonderful memories he had, full of warmth and happiness and love, there was darkness mixed into each of them. There was always something. The nagging feeling. The realization that he could have noticed, could have spoken up, could have done something. It made remembering things very... unpleasant.

He supposed it might just be a part of his general mental state - for while he was never incredibly unhappy, he had a very hard time being overly joyful or calm either. It was just best, he'd found, to stay in the neutral as much as possible.

Of course, he would stray over the lines. Logan wasn't a robot, after all. He got angry, and he got sad and disappointed and worried. And sometimes - though it was rare - he found himself genuinely at peace. Those moments always came with a price, however.

This was one of those times.

It was quiet, peaceful, the way most of these moments were, in the middle of the night. Logan was the only one awake, as usual, as he could never quite drift off when facing such strong emotions.

Ethan was curled up against his chest, and Virgil was a few inches away on his back, one arm resting across his eyes as he snored softly. Logan smiled fondly, the peace and happiness becoming almost too much to bear.

And with it, as always, came the crippling guilt and fear that Logan could never explain.

He wasn't afraid of anything specific, really. There was no threat looming above him and there really never had been. But still, the fact that now of all times was when he could actually feel happy, it drove a spike of uneasiness through his heart.

If he had to put a name to the fear or label it clearly, it would be something he knew he shouldn't worry about. Disappointment. Letting one of his loved ones down, or letting them be hurt - again - and not being able to do anything about it. The fear of not being enough for them.

Which realistically, Logan knew was a ridiculous thing to fear.

So, he pushed the worry away and focused on the peace he did feel. The joy and love he felt for Virgil and Ethan beside him, and Roman in the next room over. The pride he felt for how far they'd come, how much they'd all grown.

But it was always there. That feeling that, as his family had grown and improved, Logan had remained stagnant in his ways. The feeling that he hadn't progressed at all, and that he never would again. The feeling that he was always going to be stuck in the neutral world he'd forced himself to live in for so long.

"Lo?" Ethan grunted, rolling over slightly and squinting at him. "Wh'time's it? Why're you still up?"

"Apologies." Logan pressed a kiss to Ethan's forehead and Ethan smiled sleepily. "Just lost in thought. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Mm." Ethan hugged him, eyes sliding shut again. "Sleep."

"Alright." Logan smiled sadly again, actual tears springing to his eyes.

What had he ever done to deserve any of them? Logically, realistically, Logan knew that wasn't how it worked. That he did deserve all of this, that he'd helped his boyfriends - somehow - to become better. But he still felt as if he wasn't enough for them. Logan really hated feeling things, at a time like this.