Letters From The Void

to the person who cares,

Originally published: March 5, 2020

why do you?

it's not like you're getting anything from caring about how I feel.

how come you aren't like the others?

why are you different?

and it's not even like you just asked me once as a courtesy. you've said it four times now, the exact same question, over and over.

Are you okay?

and every time, I answered the same way.

I silently shook my head, No, and then proceeded to ignore you so you would stop asking.

don't get me wrong, i appreciate it. it's nice to know that at least one human being out there cares somewhat for my existence.

it's just that i'm not ready to share how screwed up i am yet.

the first time you asked the question was on a day that was really, really f*ucked up, both before and after the question. i was just starting to take my chances with a new group of friends back then, after the old ones became self-absorbed and starting causing way too much drama.

well, what a fat lot of good that did me.

i sat alone today at lunch.

yup. i literally saw them walk straight past me and leave the lunchroom, not even bothering to tell me what was happening or where they were going. maybe i should have gotten up and tagged along, but i just sat there and stared as they went off without me to a different place, probably to hang out with their better friends.

and people gave me those looks as they went by. judging stares, wondering why i was sitting alone but not bothering to take action on it, because of course no one at this damn place gives an f about my happiness or sanity.

speaking of old friends, you know one i'm still trying to cling on to. you don't like her very much. honestly, at this point i'm not sure i do either. i remember on the first day you asked the question, she was sitting right next to me watching tiktoks while i was crying and spiraling down a very deep, very dark rabbit hole.

so essentially, while i was thinking about death and demons and how awful high school is going to be with these f*cking excuses for humans as friends, she was watching stupid racist videos of people dancing.

and then the other day, when she was talking (no, sorry, i meant whining like a baby) about how she couldn't eat her lunch because her friends booted her from her table, and i said, "you could have come sit with us! we have plenty of seats at our table," she said, "i didn't even know you were in my lunch."

like, what the actual f*ck??? i had been sitting at the same table as her since september, and i stayed there until mid-december. that's three and a half whole months! we even had a f*cking argument about me leaving to sit with my other "friends"!

so anyway, coming back to the point, thanks for asking, but please just try to stay away. if you somehow ever read this letter, then that statement might backfire and you'll just try even harder, but seriously. you don't want to be near me, you don't want to care about me, and if i reveal enough of myself to you you'll probably prefer me dead rather than alive. the rest of the grade thinks just that. take a hint.

just know that that wasn't for my sake... it was for yours.

the world needs more people like you, and the world can't afford to let me bog you down with my problems.

so i guess, then, this is goodbye.

:):