Eight Letters (Completed)

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I took one last look at the mirror. Making sure nothing is amiss. It's the last thing I do before I leave my place to head to work. Something I don't have to think about. A habit. Part of a routine I've been doing for a few months now. I have others. The list is long. Some were new. Others were old. And some were no longer there. He was no longer there. Calling him husband was no longer there. Spending time with him too.

Breaking habits are hard to do. But being forced to break them is much harder. Specially when you can't do anything about it. It hurts. It rips my chest. It makes it harder if not impossible to breathe. It causes those tears to fall. It makes me want to end it all. Without consciously thinking about it. And in time, those became part of my routine after he left. I didn't put them on the list but somehow they got there. And I'm having difficulties removing them.

Did I completely got him out of my system? No. Am I no longer suffering? I wish I could say yes. Or yes but not that much anymore. But the right answer is a hard no. With much difficulty, I've toned it down to the point where I can still go to work and pretend nothing's breaking inside. I'm now surrounded with completely new people and though it takes my all to pretend I am okay, nobody suspects. Which in itself is both a blessing and a curse. A blade I wield to protect myself but hurts me at the same time. I can describe him in the same way. Someone who protects but can hurt you all the same.

It's been a year after he left. But feels just barely a day to me. I can still picture him coming to me. His soft gaze. Small smile. Warm embrace. I want to see him so bad. Say the words I should have said. Show the feelings I've been having for a long while then but can't put a name to. But alas, it is not to happen. He's not here. And I only have my self to blame.

And it's happening again. I need to get out. Breathe some fresh air before it gets to me. I tried walking towards the balcony but it got me first. The cycle continues. It hurts. It rips my chest. It's getting harder to breathe. My vision blurs. Tears were falling. And no one will save me. Then I heard a sound. Faint at first but getting incessantly louder. I dragged myself to the door. I still have a day. Why can't they leave me alone and give me my peace before I leave this place.

It takes forever to calm down. But somehow I did. The dam hasn't broken yet. There were only a few cracks. But what I saw after opening the door got all my defenses undone. He could be a hallucination. That's more likely. But those images we conjure up don't wipe tears. Or caresses cheeks. I stood frozen. My hand is on the doorknob. The other wants to touch a hand on my face. To confirm. Then it happened. Feelings flowed. Tears did too. And the words didn't wait.

"I love you."

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