Secrets are just Hidden Lies (Star Wars OC x Reader)

Chapter Thirteen

Y/N POV

The muffled chatter of Rose and Atin sifted through the thick walls, alone with my thoughts and emotions that were past the point of no return as I gazed into the the dent that I had made with my helmet the night before, my body once again yearning to feel his warmth against my skin even though I knew it was unacceptable, the flame of love that once flickered and softly glowed in my spirit now raged throughout me, my veins thriving with romantic fantasies that could no longer live in my brain due to my impure thoughts that reigned, hoping that distancing myself from Atin would make the fire die out completely, but it only made things worse.  Everything inside me was burning with passion, my heart on fire with the flames that consumed me only once before when I fell for Ben Solo, the inner turmoil breaking me into tiny pieces that only got smaller, gritting my teeth to keep the pained screams from exiting my body, sweat dripping from head to foot as I sobbed bittersweet tears from the unforgivable past, my fingers digging into the comforters and sheets as the hurt continued to spread, my willful ignorance the thing that kept making this hurt more unbearable, but I wasn't going to give up that easily and let my emotions win.  If I fell in love with Atin, I will have failed all the Jedi before me and everything that they worked for, falling deeper into the darkness as the inner conflict ate at my being, wanting to accept the truth, but my religion told me that I wasn't allowed to be with someone, that falling for someone could lead to the dark side, but if falling for someone led to the dark side, why was I feeling torn apart when I was so most consumed in darkness hiding the truth from myself.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, my energy deprived body reaching over lazily and grabbing the helmet from off of the bedside table, not bothering to put on the rest of my armor since I was to far gone in the bottomless pit of depression, grumbling to signal for them to come in when the door slid open to reveal Atin standing before me, his body tensing up for a couple of seconds once he saw I wasn't wearing the rest of my armor before relaxing again.  My heart leapt out of my chest, heat rising in my cheeks and butterflies fluttering all throughout my stomach, my fingers longing to touch him again the longer he stood there, not knowing what to do with myself.  I was too confused to stand up and walk to him, so I just rolled over on my side and stared at the wall, expecting him to go away when he crawled into my bed, wrapping his arms around my waist and spooning me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder as his thumb gently caressed my fragile wrist.  My lungs closed up and my heart began beating a million miles a second, anxiety creeping up the back of my mind menacingly until he pulled me tighter into his warm embrace, one of his his hands lifting up and delicately started tracing the scar that was on the back of my neck, pleasure filled whimpers coming from deep within me, leaning my head back and resting it on Atin's chest weakly, his warmth putting out the painful fires that wreaked havoc inside of me and replacing them with the blissful flames of desire that gratefully let envelop me in their scorching heat as I took in his everything, the way his chest rose up and down against my back, the way his strong hands gently held my waist, the way his voice calmed me and brought me to a part of my mind that I didn't know existed.  Even if I didn't want to admit it, he was my everything, my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, everything.  I wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship, even though I wish we could be more than friends, I know it can never be, so I have made peace that this is all we could ever be.

I flipped my body over so that I was facing him, his hand drifting up and down my side softly, the other one cupping the side of my neck tenderly, his thumb stroking right over where my right carotid artery was, the sensitive skin tingling nervously when his gloved hand brushed over it, inhaling a sharp breath suddenly and grinning awkwardly, heat rising in my cheeks unexpectedly.  For a second, he took his hands off of my body just to remove his gloves, putting them back in the exact same places they were in before, the bliss that exploded through my nervous system the second our skin touched was indescribable, goosebumps popping up all over my skin, my hands floating in the air, confused about where I should place them until I let the feeling take over my body, moving purely with instinct.  I placed my left hand on his neck and put my right hand on his arm, wiping some of the dust off of his mask delicately, pulling on his neck to signal for him to lean in, our beskar foreheads pressing against each other, the force pumping through our veins as I took a big risk and did the crazy... I let him into my mind.  I could no longer hide my past from the man that I so desired to be with, knowing that this was the only way that he would get to see everything, a nervous shaky breath exiting my body as his grip on my waist, expecting the worst when he suddenly opened his mind up to me, shocked for a few seconds before taking in that he trusted me enough to show me his past, accepting the invitation and stepping into his mental threshold, not knowing what awaited me behind the mysterious gates that blocked his mind.