Futura Memoratia

Chapter 7 fatuus (fool)

She stared after him, stunned.  Hot, fat tears started running down her cheeks and she didn’t move, just let them fall where they would.  She knew that he was brilliant, arrogant, brave—hell, she’d known that before she even left Earth because he had such a reputation—but now she also knew that he could be kind, protective, self-effacing.  He had shown her a less guarded aspect of himself.  She would wager that much of his bravado was a front because he’d spent his life focused on his dreams instead of acquiring the social skills that most people use to move through the world, not unlike herself.  She sensed that there was a lot more to him than he normally showed other people and she. . . if she was painfully honest. . . desperately wanted to see that.

The alien device showed her a possible future with him—showed her again and again the intense feelings they might one day share.  No relationship she’d been in had ever felt like that.  She had no idea that being with someone could be. . . that good.

She pressed her fingertips to her lips and leaned forward, hating the thoughts echoing in her rebellious, discordant brain.  The more time she spent with Rodney McKay, the more she could feel intense feelings developing.  She knew she had to fight it.  It was just a silly, schoolgirl crush.  There was nothing there!  He sounded like he was happy in his relationship with this woman named Katie.  None of it was real.  

She was a fool for not considering that he might already be attached and even more of a fool for allowing herself to believe, even for a moment, that the things the device showed her could possibly be real.  She had fled Earth to avoid living out the impending sadness the alien device had revealed, thinking that there might be happiness waiting for her—but far in the future—too far to wait for.  She’d acted impulsively for the first time in her life and that had probably ruined everything.  She cursed the device for its interference.  If she’d been able to fight its effects, she wouldn’t even be here now.  She would still be on Earth, probably curled up in bed next to a man that had seemed to really care for her.  The damn thing had made her lose. . . twice.

She’d only recently felt competent enough to enter into a relationship with someone she knew from the SGC.  At the time, she thought she might actually get to be really happy for the first time since childhood.  But the relationship hadn’t even gotten off the ground when the damn device interfered, making her doubt everything she thought she knew and scaring her into turning him away.  Then the treacherous thing put the idea in her head to come here, to this dangerous place.  To him, where it promised happiness.  But it lied.

She felt devastated.  But there was nowhere to turn, no one to tell, no way to ease the pain and anger.  She was alone in another galaxy and couldn’t even pick up the phone to call her mother, for goodness sake—and even if she could, what could she possibly say?  It sounded like raving madness.  

“Hello, Emily!  How are you?”  Carson was cheerfully striding into the room through the open door.  “Oh, dear, what’s wrong, love?”  

She started at the sudden interruption and stood, turning away from him while grabbing the tissue that Rodney had left on the bench.  “Oh, it’s nothing,” she managed to get out.

“I just saw Rodney in the hall.  Did he say something to upset you?”

She wiped her eyes with trembling fingers and went to the sink in the corner of the room to run some cold water on her hands, splashing some on her face.  She dabbed a paper towel on her face and glanced at Carson sideways, “No, of course not.  I’m afraid I was feeling sorry for myself.  Homesick for Earth.”  That was at least partly true.  “I just gave Rodney my last diet coke!” she said and laughed out loud in an odd, strained way.

“My goodness, you must really like your carbonated beverages!” 

She took a deep breath, determined to stay in the moment, and smiled a trembling smile.  “I do.  But you know, that wasn’t really it.  I’m still adjusting, still overwhelmed.  I’m ok, really.  It was just bad timing for you.  Sorry you had to see that”.