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❛ she died loving 𝙝𝙞𝙢 ❜
possible trigger warning ahead! amara thinks a lot about her own death so just be prepared
A NUMBNESS CREPT up on her within the span of a few minutes after Lian disappeared, taken away by the boom tube. Even as she said goodbye to her friends, hugging a reluctant Damian one last time, whispering how she loved him and hoped that no matter what happened, he was happy, Amara felt like she had become hollow. She realized that the last two years had been her swallowing her grief and keeping it in the darkest parts of herself, the parts she refused to explore. And she realized all she had done for two years was keep herself busy by taking care of Lian. Every thought she had was about the little girl. Worries about her being harmed or taken or killed, insecurities about not taking care of her good enough, and doubts about the fact that she may not be able to hold onto her promise to Roy. Through it all, she never mourned, she never accepted that they were gone, and she never let herself heal or move on. Lian was a good enough distraction to prevent her from doing any of that.
Truth was, Amara was more heartbroken than she let on. Sure, she cried late at night, on her knees, hands clasped together, head titled towards the sky as she begged and begged for her lover back. No one answered her prayers and yet she kept asking, night after night until she had to withhold the urge to scream. She had let herself become selfish by leaning onto Lian, being overbearing and overprotective of her in an effort to ignore her own grief. It was wrong. Lian didn't deserve that. But, she would never know, she would never get to apologize. And yet, she had kept her promise.
