Hello, everyone!
This chapter could be triggering in some way.
It's not that it's gore-y, but rather is quite serious.
AKD
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After they returned back to the base, Jaemin shut himself up in his room and refused food. One day turned into two more days and went on for almost a whole week.
Jeno's frustration grew every time he came back and saw the number of untouched food trays piling up in front of Japan's closed door. The said man had also refused to come to training.
Jeno didn't force him.
He knew that the first kill was always the hardest.
Finally, after one and a half weeks had passed, Jeno decided he couldn't stand doing nothing anymore. He barged into Jaemin's room and found him in the same position he had found him every day when he came with the tray of food.
Jaemin was on his bed, bundled up in his blanket and facing the wall. There was yet another untouched food tray on the floor beside his bed.
"Jaemin," Jeno spoke in a serious voice as he began making for the male's bed. "You should eat."
The blanket covered lump stirred but made no move to get up. Jeno nearly expected Jaemin to ignore him like he had been doing the past week and a half, but then a croaky voice spoke up, muffled by the heavy fabric covering his whole body.
"I don't want to."
"Then you're stupid," Jeno snapped, getting a little impatient. "A man's body is his biggest asset. You're wasting it by starving yourself like this."
The blanket finally shifted and Jaemin sat up. His hair was a rat's nest,his face was swollen and tear streaked. There were purple bruised bags below his bloodshot eyes and Jeno suspected that he hadn't even been sleeping properly, eating be damned.
The boy looked like a complete wreck - like he had killed himself not someone else - and Jeno suddenly realized just how lost he was about what to do.
"I killed a man, Jeno," Jaemin's voice was a mere whisper. "I-I s-shot a man. I killed him."
Jeno didn't know how to answer. Instead he walked forward and sat on the very edge of the bed while Jaemin broke into quiet, heartbroken sobs.
"You-you asked me what was crueler, t-taking away a man's ability to walk or taking away his life and sparing the suffering," Jaemin stammered even as Jeno found himself scooting closer. "It-it made me think, but I know for sure now. Even if a man lost his legs, he could build back his will to live. When you die you just....die."
"Death is inevitable," Jeno said quietly.
"But what about the people left behind?!" Jaemin's voice rose in its agony. "They get no closure, no goodbyes. He-he had a wedding ring, Jeno! I took away a husband. Possibly a father!...a father... An innocent child would have to grow up fatherless because of me!"
Jeno's heart squeezed as he found himself more and more at a loss about what to say.
"Just like me," Jaemin whispered.
"Not all fathers are good fathers." Jeno whispered back, still unsure of what to say.
"We're no one to know about it," Jaemin sniffled and buried his face in his arms. "He was a gangster but....he could've been a good father. And everyone deserves a second chance."
Saying this, Jaemin began crying again and Jeno found himself doing something strange. He wrapped an arm around Jaemin's shoulders and tugged.
The boy went easily and laid his head on Jeno's shoulder while he cried.
Awkward and having no idea what to do next, Jeno began rubbing Jaemin's back as the boy cried. He continued the action until the latter calmed down.
"With each life taken, another is saved," Jeno found himself saying as Jaemin's wrecking cries were reduced to soft sniffles. "Thank you....for saving my life."
Jaemin said nothing.
But then Jeno stiffened in shock as he felt Jaemin slide his arms around him and snuggle in closer. Jeno couldn't help but think that Jaemin felt so warm against him.
It was pleasing in a strange way.
He had never been hugged before.
Bewildered about what to do, Jeno let his hands hang uselessly in the sides even as he tried to get used to the sensation of getting hugged for the first time.
"I had to, Jeno," Jaemin began speaking in a trembling voice as he tightened his hug and pushed his face in the crook of the other's neck causing Jeno's skin to break out in goose-bumps. "I was afraid. I didn't want anything to happen to you."
That admission made Jeno feel warm all over and he began getting a little annoyed at himself. Also, the confusion and curiosity about the way Jaemin was holding him.
He wanted to know why people hugged.
"Um....Jaemin, why are you hugging me?"
Jaemin most definitely misinterpreted the question because he suddenly pulled away looking stricken and Jeno nearly growled in dissatisfaction at the loss of warmth.
"I'm so sorry! I w-wasn't t-thinking! I thought you didn't - I'm sorry!"
"That's not what I meant, idiot," Jeno snapped in irritation.
Then his frown cleared and he stared begrudgingly at the mattress, refusing to make eye contact. "I wanted to know why people hugged. Why do you hug, Jaemin?"
"Oh," Jaemin's eyes widened in incredulity, but then his features softened and he in turn stared at the sheets. "It...It's to offer comfort. I thought you knew. But it's also to make someone feel loved."
"Loved?" Jeno echoed the word.
It was such a foreign concept to him.
What was love like? What did it feel like to be loved? What kind of people were worthy of receiving love?
He didn't know the answer to any of those questions.
Love was perhaps the feeling he knew the least about. He looked up to see Jaemin giving him a look he couldn't really decipher.
"J-Jeno," Jaemin began albeit a little nervously. "Do you...want me... to hug you again?"
Jeno in all honesty felt a little conflicted about the offer.
He still didn't understand his own feelings or other's feelings well enough to know what he wanted. But then he remembered the comforting warmth and found himself nodding uncertainty.
Jaemin immediately scooted closer and wrapped his arms around the other, pulling him into the same warm hug as before. Jeno was immediately washed over with a sense of peace and he understood when Jaemin said hugs were meant to offer comfort.
This time, he held out his own arms and wrapped them, albeit a little tentatively, around Jaemin and returned the hug. (CRYING UWU)
Jeno still couldn't completely grasp the intense amount of guilt and emotions Jaemin went through. His own first kill had been so long ago that he didn't remember if he even felt guilty or not. But seeing Jaemin manifest feelings so freely and unabashedly made Jeno wonder.
What was it like to feel?
He began wanting to experience what Jaemin experienced and wanting to understand why killing a man broke him so much.
He began wanting to know how to feel because he felt the need to understand Jaemin better.
All he knew was that he felt upset if Jaemin was upset too.
Not Edited
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
I have just finished binge watching Haikyuu...
Song Recommendation:
"I know you so well" - Shiloh Dynasty
YOU ARE READING
Bullet to the Heart : Nomin
Fanfiction"Why?" Jaemin spoke out softly, making Jeno stop in his tracks. There were still tears running down the former's eyes and he looked more broken than defiant now. "Why didn't you kill me? Why did you make that deal? Why did you save me?" Jeno paused...
