Lily Rose

Introduction

I guess I have never thought what it meant to be alive, what the real, true feeling is of the very nature of being here, breathing. We come into this Earth and we just simply exist, wether it's for 10 or 80 years, our spark of life will eventually fade out. But is that it? Sure a lot of us achieve a life time of achievements, find our soul mate and create a big loving family that will keep our memory alive when we inevitably perish into the unknown. But when tragedy strikes and the end is near, we all find ourselves holding onto the same daunting question, what is the purpose of us? Of all this?

You see recently, I've been laid tirelessly in bed thinking it over and over. Surely there must be some deeper answer to life then the misery I'm living in right now right? Surely... there must be. I know it's not very healthy being 14 and questioning the very existence of life itself, but I got to say, I for sure feel like I have lived and seen enough, even for my young teen years. In all honesty, I'm more ready to fade out of existence then find out what it really means to be alive. I don't ever think I'll have the strength or courage to experience the good happy days, because I just do not believe there is any awaiting me.

You see my mind has been very heavy on me recently, the world seems very cold and dark, almost like the happiness of life itself is slowly fading out right before my lonely blue eyes. As I lay curled up in my baby pink quilt, all I can think about is the past, and how much that past hurts.

In my small town, Brigg, the sun doesn't shine as bright anymore, the flowers don't bloom with life the same, the clear blue skies arn't so clear. And seemingly, the very colour of our town in north east England doesn't seem as bright and lively like it used to be. Everything seems dull and murky. It makes life even more miserable, as a child all that seemed so different.

As the dark of the night creeps upon me, I just lay carelessly in bed looking out into the dark night as I bask in the moonlight glow, questioning things I'll never have the answers for. I really do lay here and wonder, why I have been brought into this world where all I know is distress, suffering and misery. I really do try my best to keep hope that better days are out there. However each day I wake up I exist in a world that I feel isn't very alive. I don't feel very alive. I know it's just my own depressive thoughts, and my own perspective of life, but when your brain makes you see the world in such a cold deadly manner, how do you exist?

Because I don't know how to just exist anymore.

Letting out a big sigh, I slowly close my eyes, trying to calm the racing thoughts in my mind down. I struggle sleeping at night. My mind races with a lot of questions and not any answers. It's exhausting. I let out a deep breath and do my best to fall into a peaceful sleep, without any undesirable, interrupting thoughts.

I groaned into my pillow, the incoherent voices and scraping sounds waking me up from downstairs. I rubbed my eyes letting out a big sigh. I'm awake, again. I furrowed my eyebrows in concentration trying to make out what all the noise was about downstairs, to no success. I groaned again, starring at the plain white ceiling above me, thinking about how badly I don't want to deal with another day alive.

I feel so inattentive and unmotivated today, I'd happily stay in bed dwelling on my sorrow. However as it's Saturday and Easter brake, I'm 100% certain my mom will find tasks to occupy my time with. Which I already can't be bothered to do.

You see, a lot has happened in my past, and because of that a lot effects me in the present. I guess I struggle with a lot of issues, I'm very closed off, anxious, and I guess the fact that I don't want to be here means I'm suicidal but I've never been diagnosed, not like I want to be anyways. I can't shake the empty hollow feeling inside of me, every moment alive, is just painful. I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore. I spend everyday in my room crying surrounded by the same four walls that seem to be closing onto me a little more each day. It's incredibly lonely. I know I'm alive, but at the same time I feel like I'm not. It's a horrible feeling, just like you're invisible. Honestly, life to me seems to have no purpose, every day that goes by is just one more day I wish I could dissapear.