If You Had Stayed (published)

Chapter 1

I stare at the numbers in my maths textbook. I don't know how long I have been staring at them. Nothing on this page made any sense to me, just a bunch of numbers all put together to make things complicated and confusing. I always had trouble understanding maths. Sometimes I wish I didn't choose it as one of my subjects for Year Eleven and Twelve. But it wasn't like I had a choice, as it's a compulsory subject for the HSC just like English. Plus, I needed it if I wanted to get into teaching. Not only couldn't I understand what the questions were about, but I also couldn't concentrate with the loud rock music coming from next door.

I set my pen down on my textbook and glance over next door. I see Josh sitting on his bed. He sat there still, processing whatever is going through his head. He is probably hearing the voices in his head again, and he was using the music to drown them out.

Joshua Harman has been my neighbour since we were nine. Our bedrooms look right into each other's. Being an only child, I was so happy when I learned he was moving in next door. We became friends instantly. After his parents died in a car accident, he was adopted by this nice couple who I have known since I was a baby. For years they have been trying to have kids, but weren't able to. Josh and I did everything together.

Two years ago, Josh's behaviour began to change. He had trouble sleeping, and it caused him to fall behind in school from his sleepless nights. I didn't really think of it at the time that there was something going on with him when he would drift off into space, where he wouldn't pay attention to what you might be saying or he wouldn't give you eye contact. He acted paranoid at times, fearing someone was coming for him. It should have been the first sign to notice something was wrong, but I passed it off like nothing was wrong. Or maybe I just didn't fully understand what was going on at the time. And then there was the voices. The voices were so loud that he claimed listening to music was one way he could control the voices he heard, as well as learning to play the guitar. But it couldn't control the hallucinations. He hid these things from everyone for a long time, even from me and I'm his best friend. We always told each other everything, but for this, Josh couldn't tell me.

It wasn't until last year when it became clear about his behaviour. He had an episode at school, screaming in the middle of the classroom, saying that someone was coming for him, ready to kill him. He switched off the lights in the room and closed the blinds and moved a table to block the closed door, telling us to hide him so the person couldn't find him. That day of his psychotic break, I have never seen him so petrified. He was then diagnosed with schizophrenia. Josh didn't tell anyone because he didn't know what was going on within himself, and he was afraid that I would stop being friends with him. I told him it was never going to happen. We will always be friends no matter what.

After a few minutes, the door to Josh's room opens, and his mother Lynn walks in. The window is closed, but I can hear her shouting at Josh to turn down the music. I watch Josh carefully, his fringe falling into his eyes as he shakes his head, arguing back at Lynn. She crosses her arms across her chest, scolding him once more. Finally, Josh drags himself off the bed and takes his phone out of the speaker dock, the music shutting off. Lynn says something else and then leaves Josh alone in his room.

He sits on the edge of his bed for a moment before looking over at me through the window. He smiles when he sees me. Getting up, he walks over to his window and opens it, climbing onto the tall tree that stood in between our homes. I get up from my desk and open the window. I shiver briefly as I let the cool winter air come in.

"Hey, Josh," I greet him as I help him inside.

"Can you believe Lynn told me to turn off the music?" Josh says instead of returning the greeting. He shakes his head. "I don't think Lynn or Phillip understands why I listen to the music so loud. It helps to drown out the voices, to distract me from it."