the moon is no door ↠ Tom Riddle

52

It turned out that forgetting about what Tom said to her about the Chamber of Secrets was fairly easy. Before Saffron knew it, fifth-years were given pamphlets outlining potential careers. There was also a poster put up near the Great Hall with a schedule for when each fifth-year student got to meet with their Head of House for career advice.

Saffron's was the Wednesday the week before the exams began. Though she had a few days to prepare for it, she had no more of an idea about what career she wanted when she'd first been given the booklet than she did when she walked into Dumbledore's office.

Quite honestly, as long as he didn't tell her that she should write history books, anything would be just fine.

As they spoke, she tried several times to force herself to tell the professor what her true aspiration was—to become a concert pianist. But, somehow, the words never found their way out of her mouth, catching somewhere between her vocal cords and the back of her teeth.

It wasn't necessarily that she was embarrassed about wanting to be a musician. It was more that she worried if she stood in front of the world and asked it directly whether she was good enough, it would return an answer that she didn't want.

Keeping her dreams locked in a box inside of her head felt far safer. Like Schrödinger's cat, if she didn't seek honest judgment, she could be a success and a failure all at once. That was much more comfortable than risking opening the box and finding that her dream was dead before it even got to see the light of day.

She figured she was a bit of a hypocrite. She criticized her family for not talking about what was important and then turned around, keeping her mouth shut because it felt like less of a threat.

It made her wonder why she had felt comfortable enough to admit it to Tom. Perhaps, somehow, she trusted him with the key—she somehow knew that he didn't care whether or not she ever opened the box. 

But, there wasn't much time for introspection, because the exams were upon her.

The fifth-years transformed into a conglomeration of fried nerves and dark, sleep-deprived eyes by their first exam on Monday. It was Charms, and it had been easy. The written portion was straightforward, and the practical wasn't too bad either, though she'd turned her rabbit the wrong color by mistake.

Tuesday was Transfiguration. She'd forgotten the exact effect of the Inaminatus Conjurus Spell. But, that afternoon, she managed to turn her owl into opera glasses without much trouble.

Herbology on Wednesday went well, but Saffron stayed up all night in the common room with Rory, Pippa, and Bennett studying for Defense Against the Dark Arts the next day. She did okay in both sections but was so tired she fell asleep at the table sitting with Tom before dinner.

Ancient Runes on Friday went far better than expected—thanks, in part, to Tom's help. Then, the weekend went by in a flash, as everyone was nervous about Potions on Monday. The rumor was that it was the most difficult. Though it definitely wasn't easy, Saffron was far more prepared than she expected.

Astronomy was Tuesday, just before midnight, and, Divination was the day after that. With all the work she'd done with Tom, the class she was previously the worst at ended up being the easiest.

Finally, History of Magic was on Thursday. Saffron was so exhausted she nearly passed out halfway through the exam. Dates began swimming in front of her eyes and, by the time it was over, she was fairly sure she had disgraced her ancestors.

She expected everyone to be celebrating. But, upon returning to the common room, she discovered that most of her friends were sleeping. She understood, she had probably only gotten about a quarter of the sleep she needed in the past two weeks. And, for a while, she lay on her own bed, trying to fall asleep, but dread and anxiety had her insides on fire.