The Faults In Our Brains

Chapter 26: [Final Goodbyes]

There's darkness inside me no light can reach.

Tomorrow. I kept on repeating in my head.

Tomorrow will be the day I'd free myself of all the pain, all the memories and all my deamons.

But before that, I had a few things to do; Write a suicide note, tell Tyler and Blake how much they meant to me and make sure Alex gets the help he needs.

So, while Blake was taking a shower, I went to Tyler's room to talk to him.

I knocked and peeked in, Tyler looked up from the book he was reading and smiled, gesturing me to get in.

"I wanted to talk." I said sitting on a bean bag.

"Everything good?" He asked coming to sit at an identical bean bag beside me.

"Yes um," I twiddled my fingers in nervousness and looked at them for a moment before taking in a deep breath and looking up to meet his expectant gaze, "I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me. I- thank you for sitting at my table that day at the restaurant." A lump started forming in my throat, "Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for always being there for me."

And as I said that, I cleaned the tears on the corners of my eyes and laughed embarrassingly.

"You're the brother I never had and I'm extremely grateful for that." I finished and not even a second later I was engulfed in a tight hug.

"There's something else too." I said pulling away a while later.

"Yes?" Tyler said, attentive again.

"It's about Alex." I said, "He's a good kid. He's just... going through some stuff."

"I don't know," I continued, "if I'll be able to help him so I'm telling you this." I looked at him and he nodded.

"Just don't- don't give up on him." I said.

"I won't." He said with a steely glint in his eyes and I smiled in satisfaction.

We talked some more and then I said goodnight to him and left.

My heartbeat fastened as I realized this was the final goodbye and I opened my room's door with sweaty hands.

Blake was already sitting on the bed in his pajamas, scrolling through his phone. I had showered and changed earlier so I didn't have anything else to occupy my mind. It had to be now.

So, I cleared my throat. He looked up from his phone and smiled.

"Uh," I rubbed my arm anxiously, "can we talk?" I asked.

"Of course, what is it?" He asked, switching off his phone and flicking it on the bed and I watched it bounce and then fall still a few inches farther.

He patted the space in front of him and I sat there, not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was so much I wanted to say but words failed me. I sat there for a good few minutes, unable to form a sentence and Blake kept on gazing at me anticipatingly.

"Um..." I said.

"I just-" I started, "wanted to uh...." I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. Why weren't words coming to me? Why was it so hard saying goodbye to him?

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and gazed at him from under my lashes and-

His eyes. Oh God his eyes!

"Ila?" He said softly.

And I thought 'fuck it'. One last time couldn't hurt right?

I leaned forward and he did the same before I gently grabbed his t-shirt and pulled him. Our lips collided like cotton candy and my grip on his shirt tightened while my other hand reached for the back of his neck and then slowly slid into his soft hair as his hands held my waist close.

Everything I couldn't say before, I'd have to say through the kiss.

'Thank you for existing.'

'you're the best thing that happened to me.'

'I'm sorry I couldn't be a better friend.'

'I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.'

When we pulled away, a lone tear escaped my left eye and Blake kissed it away before another one followed and then another and another.

I sniffed against his forehead as he tried to clean my tears away with his thumbs.

"Why are you crying?" He whispered and I shook my head as a sob reaked through my chest.

"I'm sorry." I whispered back.

"Hey." He held my face and made me look at him, "It's okay. Let it out."

I was pulled into his arms as my tears drenched his shoulders. I pulled him closer to me as the prospect of what I was going to do the next day settled in with full force. I felt like if I didn't hold on now, he'd turn into vapors and disappear. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for not being strong enough, I wanted to thank him for being there for me even when I pushed him away.

But there was something I did manage to say after a few minutes. The rest, however, would have to wait for my suicide note.

"Did I ever tell you," I croaked, "you have really beautiful eyes."

"Thank you." He said stroking my hair as I inhaled his scent for probably the last time.

Tomorrow, I thought before slipping into oblivion.