Sleepyhead

Chapter Thirteen

My alarm wakes me up and I start getting ready for school. It's Friday,  and Danny and I are planning on hanging out this weekend. I braid my hair to the side and tie a bandana as a headband, and pull on skinny jeans and a tank top and sneakers over my socks I slept in. I move clothes around in my closet until I find a black flowy sweater. Something different instead of my usual sweatpants or leggings with a t shirt and flannel. I decide to wear makeup for once too, just some powder and mascara. I find a pink lipstick and swipe a little on. I wonder if Danny will notice. That's the whole point, plus I'm feeling more motivated than usual. I check my email and I have an interview with McDonald's on Monday at 5pm. I brush my teeth and grab my backpack and my keys and my phone. Erin has already left on the bus. She actually has friends at school so she's ok with school provided transportation. The bus was hell for me. Nobody wanted me to sit with them so I had to find an empty seat which wasn't always easy. 

I light a cigarette before pulling out of the driveway. I make the scenic drive past lakes and through neighborhoods and soon I'm in my parking spot which is pretty much on the other side of the lot than Danny's. We find each other and hold hands on our way into the building. Danny seems quieter than usual, and it makes me worry. You never really know how people truly feel inside. 

"You look beautiful Amanda, why are you all dressed up?" he asks me. 

I feel myself blush. 

"Thanks, I don't know, just felt like something different today." I lick my teeth, suddenly self conscious I might have lipstick on them. Danny and I hug goodbye and go to our classes. All I can think about all day is the upcoming weekend. Erin went back to school today and we text throughout the day as usual, sending each other pictures and song links and memes and gifs. I forgot how much I missed this. 

Danny and I smoke in his car at lunch again, this time in a Wendy's parking lot so we can have the windows down. Danny pulls his hair back in a low ponytail and signs audibly as he passes a lit cigarette to me and proceeds to light his own. 

"Hey are you okay?"

"Yeah," he says, not looking at me, his sunglasses balanced on his nose, making him look intimidating.

"I just didn't sleep very well last night. My parents ordered pizza and I think I ate too much of it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. You can always text me or call me if you can't sleep. I don't care if you wake me up." I lean over on him as I exhale and watch the smoke twirl out from my lips. He leans his head over on me and reaches for the volume on the radio. Nine Inch Nail's Pretty Hate Machine is playing. Down In It is my favorite off the album so he skips to it and we sit in silence, filling our lungs with smoke until he drives us back to school. 

I reapply my lipstick in the bathroom before my next class. A girl tells me she likes my hair and I smile and thank her. I pick up my bag from the corner of the bathroom and walk out. Outside, a group of guys is throwing pencils at Danny. Blood boils in my body and I feel pure rage rise to the top. 

"What the FUCK are you doing you pieces of SHIT?" I storm over and feel my face scrunch up. I feel outside myself like I'm watching from above. 

"You need to back the fuck off and leave him alone."

The boys scatter and head down the halls and the bell rings. We're already late. I take Danny's hand and pull him down the hall toward the front doors. We get to my car and I bury my face in his chest and hug him as tight as I can. I feel his breath freeze in his chest and then the tears. I've seen him cry before but not like this. I can tell he's trying to hold it in and it isn't working.He lets go and we get in my car and I drive back to the Wendy's. He doesn't say a word as I'm in the drive through buying us two vanilla frosties. I park in the same spot we were in during lunch. 

"Last week it was knocking my shit out of my hands and throwing paper at me. They won't fuck off. I don't know why they won't leave me alone." He moves the straw through the ice cream and tries to get it through the straw. 

"I don't know Danny. Seven more months and you'll never have to see them again. I wish I could stop them."

"They're probably gonna go after you now. Next time don't do anything. I just try to ignore them." He's finished crying but I can tell there is something else under his monotone demeanor, something he's tried to hide from me. It seems like anger, but I can't tell who it's towards,the other boys or himself. 

"Let me see." The thought pops in my head. I haven't seen Danny like this since middle school. He forgot about his bad habit and took his sweatshirt off at lunch when we were on the swings. He talked to a therapist for a couple months and that seemed to be that. I would ask him if I could see his arms every couple days. Today he's wearing a sweatshirt and now I'm worried.

"Huh? See what?" he looks over at me, almost done with his frosty.

"Sleeves." I know I'm treading on uneven ground here, and I'm hoping he isn't offended either way if I'm right in my suspicions or not.

Danny sighs and rolls up his sleeves. Clear. 

"Should I ask to check anywhere else?"

"Do you really want to see?" he looks away from me, his hands still, not playing with his cup anymore.

"Yes. I care about you and I need to know how bad it is. Please. I want to help you. I love you." I swallow hard and my heart is racing. Danny rolls up his left pantleg and underneath is a row of bandages and medical tape holding a piece of gauze to his ankle. 

"Danny..." 

He pulls back the tape and the bandages and exposes at least thirty violent red gashes, some deeper than others, some shallow and pink,and some almost healed.He leaves the gauze pulled back and looks at me.

"I don't have to be your problem, you know. I never wanted to be another burden you have to carry. I would understand if you were done with me." He covers them back up and rolls his jeans down again. 

"Danny no, never. I'm in this with you unless you decide you don't want me to be anymore.  You don't have to hide anything from me. I just want you to know that."

I hold his hands in mine and we sit in silence, but it's not an awkward silence. It's the comforting kind, where there are no more words to say in that moment that would be worth anything, so you just sit with the other person so they know you're there for them. 

DANNY'S POV

Maybe it's sick of me but this is all I've wanted I think, the reason I did it. Deep down I did want someone to find out, and save me. It's probably pathetic, but her seeing me, really seeing me for who I am and how I feel inside, this made it all worth it, all the scars and broken pencil sharpeners and safety pins and paper clips and the cardboard dinosaur that started it all. The gauze and the blades and the bandages were comforting, but they were no match for this. Amanda gets to be my first in more than just one way. The first kiss, the first to be in bed with me, the first to know how much pain I'm in. And she didn't just tell me there's no reason to feel this way. Because that's what people do at the first sign of someone being depressed. Oh, you have so much to be thankful for, you have so many oppurtunities in your future. That's right, I do. But I also still feel the way I do, and having good grades and a loving family and a bright future doesn't change that. 

Amanda holds my hands in hers and looks into my eyes, not saying anything. For once I'm not suspicious that she's upset with me.