𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

Do you wanna leave at the same time?

I wrapped my gaze around little things that shattered me like only human tenderness could – the coffee brown curls, the straight outline of his nose, the slenderness of his downy limbs, and other indicators of happiness which despair and guilt forbid me to think about now. You have to be mad or a creature of infinite melancholy, with hot poison in your veins and a super-burning flame permanently aglow in your spine, in order to categorically refuse these clear signs of precious, reassuring, innocence among the erratic, unstable, pointless, misery of every day. And, tragically, I was.

Matty had beautiful full lips, but they didn't circle around words of dreams of having kids, growing old together, settling down, anymore. He was silent, but I knew how he felt, and it was hell to know it.

When I told him to leave my house, he didn't leave. He stayed beside me in my small bed doing his best not to touch me, not even accidentally – I'll die if you touch me. He didn't even take off his shoes. I looked at him with my red eyes swollen with tears, tightening the fabric of the sheets. We stared at each other without speaking until we fell asleep. It was the most intimate, romantic, sweet, sick, brutal and painful experience I've ever shared with anyone: to lay down, not to speak, not to touch – just stare and breathe. I couldn't tell if he really slept. When I opened my eyes again, in the morning, Matty, a hand between his cheek and the pillow, was looking at my body tiredly. His eyes traveled a short distance until they met mine and his features moved slightly.

"I need to leave for a couple of hours", he whispered, his voice raspy. "Band's stuff. It won't take me long, but I need to go. Please, be here when I come back. Can you promise me you'll stay here? We should talk and...figure things out."

"I have already figured things out."

"Can we...can we just talk some more about it later?". He held up his body, with his hands leaning on the mattress. His messy curls fell on his brow, but they didn't cover his broken eyes. "You'll stay here. Promise me."

I pushed my cheek against the pillow. I wanted to be swallowed. I just looked at him.

He whispered, "promise."

I nodded.

His worried features cracked a little, but his eyes were still sad.

"Matty", I called him weakly before he could leave the room. He came back, looking down at me as I turned and laid on my back, so I could face him. I hesitated. Gravity pinned me to the bed, but I felt at the edge of a cliff. "I love you too."

The shadow of a tired tenderness appeared behind his eyes. And the smile of satisfaction. The smile of hope. "I can't believe you just fucking said that."

"Please, keep it in mind", I said.

His smile took on an unconvincing shape. He nodded. I supposed part of him knew what was going to happen. He had to keep it in mind so he could forgive me. He knew that when he was going to come back, I wouldn't be there. But he just hoped love could stop me.

"Matty called again", Sadie told me.

"Did you tell him I was at your place?"

"No, but", she sighed, "to be honest, I was about to. I don't want to lie to cover you anymore. It's been days."

I sneaked out of my own flat and stayed at Sadie's. I avoided Matty's calls. I called my doctor. I did everything mechanically with the same coldness of an assassin. Many would think that I actually was. But I was just trying to do what was the right thing in my head.

I tried to hold back that permanent sense of nausea. Was my body so sick of itself that I had to throw up, little at a time, every inch of my soul? I breathed deeply. I won't feel like this any longer, I thought. Today was the day. And Matty had no idea where I was or what I was doing. But if he was smart as I knew he was, I bet he could imagine.