Without You I'm Hopeless (Destiel)

Unhealthy coping mechanisms the winchester way - Beer and self-isolation

It's been three days since Dean hasn't said anything more than "Beer?" to his brother or to Jack, three days since Dean told Sam that he's in love with Cas, three days since Dean had to see him die, three days since he had to burn his body. Deans' not even sure how he's running he hasn't slept and when he has it's never for long before the nightmares kick in and he wakes up panting and reaching for the gun under his pillow, (which he's starting to think might cause more pain than good when he's already pointed it at Sam twice in his sleep deprived state). He hasn't really eaten anything just enough to get Sam to leave him alone. He's pretty sure he might actually be sweating alcohol, he's prided himself on not getting a hangover yet but that might just be because he's already started drinking before he's even fully awake. A wide range of alcoholic bottles can be found thrown in different rooms of the bunker scotch, vodka and enough beer bottles to litter a beach in Hawaii.

It's night time, though Dean's not sure how he knows that, Sam turned off all the lights in the bunker ages ago. He's been staring at the wall in front of him since, unable to sleep. He gave up even trying to, awhile ago, more concerned about what will follow him into his sleep than the lasting effects of its absence.

Bored of staring at the same wall for days on end, Dean wanders down the halls of the bunker aimlessly only stopping when he inevitably finds himself outside of what used to be Castiel's room.

Cas never spent much time with them in the bunker, but Dean still insisted that he should have his own room, that he should decorate it, fill it with his possessions even if he didn't own anything other than what he carried with him. Dean wanted to make sure that Cas knew that he could stay whenever he wanted, for however long. He even practically begged him to stay a couple of times, though if he was asked he would probably say that he simply gave Cas the option if he had wanted. Though it was rare, Dean always enjoyed when Cas stayed with them in the bunker. He enjoyed the angel's company and it was nice to know that if he wanted, Cas was only a couple doors down the hall from him.

Dean breathed deeply hoping to stop the shaking of his hands. He tried to convince himself it was only because he was starting to get well past tipsy, and slowly pushed open the door.

Switching on the lightbulb, Dean had to cover his eyes with his forearm and blink several times before his vision cleared well enough for him to make out more than vague shapes. Despite how long Dean tried to convince Cas that decorating the room and trying to make it distinctly his was important. Which only ever got him a confused head tilt and "But why would possessions and pictures make the room mine? I already know that it's mine, because you said that I could stay here and angels don't have possessions." The room still only had the same white walls and mattress as the others. Dean didn't care because he knew this was Cas's room, knew that he should be in it right now doing whatever he did when he wasn't sleeping instead of floating somewhere in broken pieces of ash.

Gently as if he was scared that if he touched it would crumble and break, like everything important to him seemed to, he laid his hand on the cool sheet. His heart was beating so loud his ears were ringing. He felt like he didn't belong here. This wasn't his room. This was Cas's and he should be the one here not him. But even when he tells himself that he shouldn't be here, he can't make himself leave. Instead he climbs his way up the bed, Cas' bed and lays on Cas' pillow and if he tries hard enough he can still smell Cas. Tears fall from his eyes onto the pillow and even though he tries to get them to stop, scared that he's contaminating Cas's pillow and it'll stop smelling like him, he can't.

He prays to Cas again like he does every night and every day and practically every moment he's awake and he can only get through "Cas, Please", before he passes out from the exhaustion.