trigger warning // depression + suicidal thoughts
i just want this to be over. this fight. what am i yearning for? what am i here for? why did God give me this life?
a knock on the bathroom door removes me from my thoughts and i quickly look up, causing water to hit my eye.
"yes mama?"
"you've been in there for two hours baby. it's time for you to come out." i sighed, not wanting to leave the shower yet. the water was the only thing to make me feel alive.
cutting the water off and wrapping myself in a towel, i didn't attempt to comb my curly, wet hair. what's the point anyways.
i opened the door to see my 5'2 mother staring at me.
"briné, i think it's time for us to talk about this."
sinking back into the closed bathroom door, i shake my head.
"mama no."
"baby, i understand that you're depressed. i know what happened. i understand. but you gotta get out of this slump, baby. you don't even sing anymore. you have so much life to live."
slight anger and envy coursed through me.
"no you don't mom. with all due respect, you don't get it. you got to live without the pressures and stress of social media. you never once had to endure what i do. you said it yourself, you saw the study how depression in millennials today is almost the same as how it was for people during the Great Depression. i can't."
she sighed.
"i think if you can't take this anymore, you need to get on antidepressants - and before you interrupt me, I know you don't want to but i can't fathom losing you. i had you as a baby. i was a baby myself and I tried my best to make sure you lived a better life than I did. im sorry for what you're going through baby, but I'd lose myself if I lost you. please try to get better. for me?"
all the emotions i was feeling right now just overwhelmed me and made me want to sleep and never wake up.
"ma, im just gonna get back in the shower."
realizing there was nothing else she could say in the moment, my moms sighed again, and tried to blink away the tears in her eyes.
"i left some fruit on your bed. please, i miss my baby."
nodding, i closed the door again, and got back into the less than hot water. I know my moms just wants the best for me, but it was easy for her. she grew up in a time when she didn't have to worry about all the things I worry about now. she could easily find a job after school, she didn't have to deal with the pressures and issues of today, like me.
im at a breaking point. what else can I do? i just wish i didn't have to deal with this. i wish i could think about being happy again. i miss the feeling of happiness but it's almost inexistent now.
gosh, mom was so lucky to have been able to live in a time before all this. this craze.
laying my head against the shower wall, i felt numb. the tears and running water blended together, and i just wished once again that I could just live back then again. back when it was peaceful. back when i was happy.
