Me & Her

Me

My Mum has brought me a change of clothes as the hospital gown is starting to itch. 

I slide off the gurney, while Mum thanks the ME for his help. He smiles at me before wheeling the bed away. I wouldn't be lying if I said I was glad to see the back of that thing. My life has become a revolving door of hospital appointments, gurneys, evaluations, so to wash away the white of the ward is enough to make me smile. Mum's carrying clear bag of pills, all of them a sickly red in colour. Red like blood. Blood on her hands, my hands. I shut my eyes. Open them. No blood. Just hardwood floors, topped with intricate patterns. Just Mum. The pills are hospital issues, most likely to help me sleep.

"I'm just going to put these in the kitchen. Why don't you get changed? You remember your room, don't you? The last one on the left". She points up the oaken staircase, with snake carvings slithering all over the banisters.

'That's fitting', she snorts inside my mind. There's no use telling her to shut up. She'll go away in a minute, she's just a figment now. Just a figment.

"Oh, Doctor Steele said it would be better if you didn't eat anything until the sedative's passed out of your system. I'll make you some toast if your desperate though". I regard her with a frown. I hate toast. Besides, I'm not hungry. I still feel a little light-headed from being sedated. From waking up three years after my life ended. Being forced back into the fray.

"No thanks, I'm fine". Stopping to peer at the landscape paintings on the walls, I make my way up the stairs. I honestly don't remember living here. How could I forget something so beautiful? But if I had a room here... I'm sure I'll remember it soon. The stairway veers onto a landing, one with a huge bookcase – almost bare – standing opposite. It's like I'm in an episode of Murdoch Mysteries. That's something I just about remember at least. Mum said my room was the last one on— I find it immediately. It has more of a modern feel to it. An Xbox in the corner, a TV. White carpet instead of hardwood. My bed's a king-size, but the covers match the carpet: plain white. So much for leaving the ward behind. This must be where I stole the room from, the one in my head. Stumbling, I frantically turn away. It is the last thing I want to see right now.

"Are you alright up there?" Mum calls from downstairs. I answer with a calm voice, the calmest I've ever pretended to be. Then again, I haven't had to pretend to be anything for a while. Except okay. I've pretended to be that from birth. I wonder if I ever switched personalities as a baby or if it was something I developed over time. Aren't all babies supposed to be a little evil? The bundle of clothes in my hands starts to shake so I begin opening every other door on the landing until I find the bathroom. It's old and musty – like the rest of the house – but the facilities are new. Somehow, I find myself expecting a hose and a bucket. The floorboards creak unevenly and one of them nearly springs up and hits me in the face. After I change out of the gown, I venture downstairs to find my Mum in the kitchen drinking coffee. Her face is haggard, and her eyes are more bloodshot than mine. I have already forgotten what I saw when I looked at the girl in the bathroom mirror. A scraggly witch, thin as a rake. Not me. It all passed by in a blur. These two days have both passed by in a blur. Waking up, murder, coming home to a world I barely recognise, it's all happened too quickly. I want to hide in my so-called room, but it seems impolite. Even though the woman I'm starting at is my Mother, I don't feel as if I can be myself just yet.

"Doctor Steele phoned up while you were getting changed. I told him we'd made it back safely. He says Dr. Light will be arriving at lunchtime tomorrow, so you can have a good lie in". I don't want a lie-in. I'd rather throw myself out of a window than waste more time asleep. I've already spent so much of my life in the dark. Too much.

"Dr. Light," I begin. "What's he like?" Mum shrugs.

"I've heard he's very focused, top of his class. Not much older than you". How old am I? The number of things I don't remember is starting to make me feel ill.

"He's not going to be here long, is he?" It's not a fun experience to have an outsider poking around in your head. I just want to spend time with my Mum, maybe regain those three years. But I guess the world won't let me.

"Dr. Light will be living here for a few months, just until Doctor Steele officially clears you".

"Why here?"

"I thought it would be better having someone you can trust staying with us. Someone who can help you".

"I trust you, not him. Why can't you do that?" A lump appears in my throat and it takes me much longer than I wish to swallow it back down. My Mother cups my cheek.

"Oh, sweetheart, you give me far too much credit". When I gaze into her face, her eyes are almost...sad. Hastily, she turns away, revisiting her nearly empty coffee mug. Unable to face her again, I bite back my tears and make my way once again to that white room. I—