Let Me Bare My Soul to You

Let me be Open and Honest

Hey,
It's me, the girl who started this open diary. I started this because I wanted people to feel they had a place to get their ideas out and express themselves. Whether it be they tell about themselves or they just show what things they have done/written that they were nervous to share with anyone else. I always told myself that I wouldn't post anything about me in here cause it's not for me it's for you. The amazing human being reading this. This space is for you. But things have changed in my life, rapidly in a short amount of time and I have held some things in for awhile. I want to put this here because I feel burdened to tell anyone else in my life, I know they love me but I feel like they wouldn't get it. So I'm gonna say this here and hey, if you feel the way I feel let me know and we can talk. Cause I know how good it feels to talk to someone who tries or does understand you at least to some degree. Well, without further a-due, this is what has been plaguing my soul.

I think I am clingy, to everyone I know, I constantly feel like even though they enjoy talking to me. Me frequently saying "hey how are you? how are you really?" bothers them. Whether it be I knew them a couple months or years, I always somehow form a tight bond with someone in my heart. It's like my heart reaches out to them and holds on and they now occupy a space in it before they know it. I care so deeply that sometimes it scares me, because I know that with how much I love, I might not be loved back the same way. I always try to see in others what they don't see in themselves. I'm a very optimistic person(to everyone but myself sometimes) and I find it hard to see someone as bad once I have already started to care. Yes they can have bad qualities and tendencies, but I don't love them any less. Many say that my big heart is my greatest quality, I think it's a good quality but also my biggest flaw. I can't let go, letting go is not something easy for me. I struggle with letting go, it could be just the fact that I feel I'm growing distant from someone I love and it can tear me apart. I get heartbroken by these things. I almost never tell anyone how truly fragile my heart is. I don't want people to always have to tiptoe around me because that could cause a strain between us. They would always feel that they have to watch what they say or do around me. I don't want that, I want them to be authentically themselves despite my feelings. And I love it when they are. It's just hard to deal with a heart that's a bit too big. Let me give you an example. There is this guy I know, let's call him..Benny. I have known Benny for 2 years and going on 3. Because of quarantine and Ms.Rona I've been taking with a lot of my friends more lately and I felt that he and I were becoming closer after we had talked for 4 days straight. I was so happy because I thrive off of building deep connections with people, I struggle if I feel like I have failed to establish one even though I know I can't force it and hey would have to feel the same way about me. I was happy that Benny and I were getting closer and I was so excited, then one day a tiny tear in my heart happened. No he didn't die but he complete stopped talking to me, it was like he dropped off the face of the earth and I couldn't reach him. The Benny I thought I had known seemed to be out of my reach and I didn't know why. Previously, he had told me he doesn't deserve the kindness I show him and how much I care and it has surprised me. I had told Benny that he deserves kindness just as much as anyone else, it's not about deserving. He had told me thank you we moved right on along. But this is what I think when people say they don't deserve kindness. If you always go around thinking you don't deserve things then you never will. Let the love and kindness someone shows you not be because you "deserve it" think of it as a gift from them. A gift that they are gladly giving to you because they care about you and love you. Let yourself be cared for and loved. Back to Benny, weeks went by and I heard nothing from him. I would text and he wouldn't respond. Then he texted me back two weeks after his disappearance and you can bet your bottom dollar I was over the moon when he did. He had told me, after he replied to what I had said, that he had something he wanted to tell me. I replied right away and sat by my phone for hours waiting, hoping he would talk to me. I wanted find out what was going on with my friend and see if I could do anything to help. More weeks went by and then it became a month. What hurt worse was that, we had a group chat with some close friends of ours that I was also deeply connected to and he would talk there. He was talking to everyone but me. That small tear had begun to get bigger and bigger by the week as I watched him talk to everyone and ignore my very existence. It had gone from a small tear to a wound big enough to need stitches, and grew even larger still when I saw him open a message of mine but not respond. At this point I knew he was ignoring me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was frightened, why was this happening? Had I done something wrong to make my friend leave me? Is he okay? My main concern was his well-being, I had an inkling of a thought that he wasn't doing well emotionally. I wanted, no needed, to be there for him but I was shut out of his life. An outsider who could only look into a city from a crack in a wall, but not know the luxury of being inside it. 4 weeks turned into a month and then into a month and a half and still nothing. I had even sent a letter to his house, after many tears, days spent wondering, time spent raging over how I felt but was unable to tell him. I hoped that the letter would help me come to terms and cope with the fact that I had lost him. Just when I was on the brink of loosing it and about to give up after two months of nothing I texted Benny and told him I needed to talk to him immediately because I couldn't wait anymore. He called me right after he saw it, and you would think we had a long heart to heart for probably an hour but our conversation lasted a couple minutes. We didn't fight, I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I found it hard not to cry as I heard his voice for the first time in a long time. I had been expressive about how I felt in the texts I had sent and the letter so I didn't feel I had much to say(although after I thought of what I did want to say that I never said but I'll get to that later.) I asked Benny how he was, he told me that he was having issues in his life and he was sorry for being so distant with me. Me, being the optimistic and hopeful person I am, I forgave him right away. He didn't go into detail about what was happening and I knew he was still processing what I had unleashed in my letter so I had been satisfied with his answer then. Right after the call ended, I was smiling but still hurt. Yes I have forgiven him, but not fully. I still wonder, what was it that caused him to not talk to me for two months? I wished he was more open with me instead of how vague he has been. As if he had just said it sorry to appease me and move on and didn't really want to talk about what had happened. Even though he has told me(vaguely) how he was doing. I couldn't help feeling that I had less answers and more questions than before. But I had decided that I would let him process it all and he could tell me how he felt later. That convo we had was sometime ago now and even though it feels kind of okay, it feels like someone slapped a band-aid on a third-degree burn and called it a day. It didn't feel like the underlying tension had been treated and I feel a distance between us. He probably doesn't, I have no idea and I hope he figures out how he feels soon. Because, he had almost ripped my heart in two and then slapped a band-aid on it and I can't handle another long waiting game of wondering if I or our friendship mattered to him. If it did why did he leave me like that for two months? I guess you can see how my feelings jump all over the place and how affected I get by things. This was like a small issue but it hurt me a lot, much more than I thought something like this would. I can't speak about all my feelings at once but this is an inside look into my heart. A bit about how things affect me and why I feel like I'm a burden if I tell people how easily I get my heart broken. I still care a lot for Benny, and I always will. He's leaving for college soon and I wish him well, I just hope he talks to me before he leaves. Cause like I said before, my heart can't handle another waiting game. Thank you for reading this far if you did, none of this is really structured so if it doesn't make sense I'm sorry you can comment and I'll try and explain myself as best as I can. I'll probably not write another one of these, but who knows what life might throw my way. Here is where I say thanks for basically being my listening ear, and Benny if you somehow see this. I hope you aren't scared of still being my friend, I may be complicated but I hope you'll still love me anyway.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart,
Larysa❤️