Equilibrium

Chapter 33: Jackie's POV

Trigger Warning: This chapter discusses topics like character death, alcoholism, drug abuse, and child abuse/physical abuse. Read at your own risk. If you do not want to read this chapter, dm me (@some_dam_pjo_content on Instagram) and I will give you a rough summary of what happens without too many details.

Chapter 33: Jackie's POV
It's been a few hours since the monster incident. I'm not even quite sure what it was that attacked Luka, but it had scratched him up pretty good. We were back at the way station now, Hera's relic tucked safely into my bag, and Luka was propped up on the couch. He was looking a lot better now, thank the gods, after having some ambrosia and nectar. Calypso was a pretty decent medic.
"Hey, Leo? I think it's time we headed out," I sigh, and Luka nods in agreement, sitting up.
"Awww, already?!" Leo pouts and runs over to me, wrapping me in a warm hug, "I'll miss you guys. 'Specially you Jack Jack. Good luck on your quest!"
"Thanks." I smile at him and then give Calypso a quick hug before grabbing Luka's hand and walking him to the door. I whistle for Harper and the hawk swoops down from his perch on top of the roof. I give him an affectionate little pat and we board his back.
"Bye! Thanks for everything!" I shout as Harper takes off into the sky. Leo and Calypso smile and wave at us from below until we're out of sight.
Luka and I don't say much for a while, just chat about where we're going next and such. The plan is to go find Artemis and Apollo's relics, which are supposedly close together, somewhere in Colorado.
The sky grows dark and the silence between us stretches on. It's not that I mind, I sort of like it. It's comfortable. For once, him and I aren't arguing and are on good terms. It's a pretty good feeling. Not that teasing him isn't great or anything, though. I'm considering taking a nap when Luka's voice disturbs my thoughts.
"Jackie?"
So much for a nap.
"Yeah?" I turn my head to look at him. It's not the most comfortable position but I do not want to fall off Harper when we're up this high.
"Are you... Okay?" He asks.
"Yeah? I'm fine." I mean, it's sort of the truth. At this moment, right now, I'm fine. A couple days ago though it was a different story. I feel a pang in my chest as all the feelings I'd pushed down start to rise up inside me again. Great. I'd just been okay and now look. "Yeah. Fine. I'm totally fine."
Luka's blue eyes search my own, and he must find what he's looking for because he sighs and shakes his head. "No, Jackie, you're not fine. You've been acting strange lately. One minute you're smiling and the next it's like you're about to cry. What's going on with you?"
Frustrated, I let out a little growl.
"Why should you care? Like I said, I'm fine." I spit the last word at him. I don't want to talk about Maple, or my mom, or any of that. I was perfectly okay and then Luka had to go and act all nice and now everything hurts again. I take in a shuddering breath and turn my head back to the front so Luka doesn't see the tears welling in my eyes. To my surprise, he doesn't say anything. He just wraps his arms a little more snugly around me and pulls me back against his chest. I lean my head against his shoulder, thankful for the comfort, and then I find myself giving in.
"You're right. I'm not fine," I whisper, "But it's not you. It's a lot of things that... you don't know about. Things I've never told anyone."
Luka takes my hand in his own and rubs small circles against my palm.
"You can tell me anything."
That's all it takes.
I tell him about my mom. How she said she loved me, but how she fell into a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol. Half the time she wasn't even home when I got back from school. Sometimes I didn't see her for days. When I did see her, though, I never knew what I was going to get. Sometimes she'd be a normal parent and she'd be loving and fun and spend time with me, but more often than not, she was awful. She would come home after having too much to drink or taking some kind of pill and she'd get mad. At something I did or didn't do, something I said. Most of the time, it wasn't even my fault. Something bad could've happened that day at work and she would come home angry.
And she'd flip her shit.
She took everything out on me. She'd scream and yell, call me names, throw stuff at me. I'd just crawl into the closet in my room and cry.
As time went on and I got older, she only got worse. She started being more physical. She'd hit me. I'd go to school in the morning with bruises and nobody would even ask. It's like nobody fucking cared. Or noticed. One or the other.
"That's awful. I'm so so sorry." Luka whispers in my ear.
"It gets worse. One night, she came back super drunk. I'd forgotten to do the dishes so she came after me. She had a cigarette in her mouth and, well..." I trail off and roll up one sleeve of my sweatshirt to expose my left forearm. A line of circular burns, now faded, run up the inside of my forearm. Luka's eyes widen.
"Oh my gods. Jackie." I pull down my sleeve self consciously and bite my lip. He puts a gentle hand on my chin and guides my eyes back to his. 
"Why didn't you do anything about it? Call someone?" Luka asks. He's holding onto me more tightly now, like somehow he can keep me from something that already happened. I appreciate it though. He's warm.
"Because she was still my mom. There were still good moments, when she was loving. It's like I hadn't lost her completely yet. And she needed me." Luka looks confused, so I continue.
"If she overdosed or passed out and got hurt, I was there. I knew how to help her. I had to. She's my mom." I say.
"Your heart's too big for your own good." Luka sighs.
"Yeah... Well is it really? I left her. For all I know, she could be dead."
"You can't worry about that. She was no good for you. She might be your mom, but the way she treated you, Jackie? Nobody deserves that. Nobody."
"Yeah," I sigh, "I know. That's why I ran away. It was a few days after the dishes incident. I was ten. I'd had enough. I left without a note. Just up and ran. A satyr found me and brought me to Camp Half-Blood, and that was it."
"I'm glad you got out of there," He murmurs, and I nod.
"Me too."
"So that's what's been bothering you? You've been keeping all that inside without telling anyone? Jackie that's-"
"Bad. Yeah, I know," I finish for him, "But that's not all."
Luka's eyes widen a fraction. "What else?"
"I..." Fuck. My lip starts to tremble. "I should've told you before. Back when we got Demeter's relic... Remember Maple?"
"Yeah of course. The nymph you couldn't stop flirting with?" Luka smirks but it's immediately wiped from his face when he sees my expression. "Sorry. I- continue."
"Right, well..." I take a deep breath, and then the words come out of my mouth in a rush, "You passed out. I brought you back to Harper. I was about to leave when I heard a scream in the woods. I followed it. And then I found blood, so much blood, and then-" My voice breaks and now real tears are streaming from my face, "I was too late- I can't- shit."
Luka's eyebrows furrow in concern and he squeezes my hand. "Jackie, what happened?"
"She died, Luka. Maple died. Some sort of monster must have gotten her- I don't know- and her neck- there was so much blood. And she saw me and then she was just gone."
Luka's face pales. Now I'm a hiccuping, sobbing mess. He wraps me up in his arms and lets me cry into his shoulder, whispering soft nothings into my ear until eventually, I calm down a bit.
Then a sick feeling washes over me and I pull away from Luka's hold on me. Guilt claws at my stomach, and I wipe the tears from my eyes, biting my lip.
"It's my fault."
"Jackie, what?! How is this your fault?!" Luka exclaims.
"The monster probably smelled me. I'm a demigod! Why would it just go after a nymph?" My breathing speeds up, getting panicky, and I know it's only a matter of seconds before I start crying all over again. "I could've gotten there sooner. I could've saved her. I could've-"
"Jackie, stop. Look at me." Luka forces me to meet his gaze. "This is not your fault. There's nothing you could've done. What happened is really, truly awful. But you can't blame yourself. You can't change what happened. This is not your fault." Doubt still eats at my insides, but I want to believe him. To trust him.
"It's not your fault." He repeats, "Okay?"
So I do. I trust him.
"Okay," I whisper meekly, hiding my face in my hands. Luka just rips them away from my face and pulls me into another hug.
"Thanks." I murmur into his shirt.
"Of course."