Dear You.

Entry#11.

Was crying the whole time I was writing this entry. :/

 This is the last letter.

Entry#11.

 

Dear You,

 

Never in my whole existence have I celebrated Father’s Day. I envy my friends every year when they get to surprise their fathers. Wala akong magawa kundi panoorin lang sila. Gusto ko din maexperience na i-surprise ang Dad ko. I’d write him a letter saying how grateful I am that he’s here with us, and for the love he’s giving me. Then every Christmas and New Year’s Eve I’d kiss his cheeks and wish for yet another happy year. Pero not once have I spent those special occasions with my poor excuse of a father.

I was three years old when my parents broke up. Wala akong kamalay-malay kung anong nangyayari. Two days every month ko lang nakakasama ang Daddy ko dahil sa Cavite siya nagtatrabaho. As much as I can remember, palagi akong excited kapag end of the month dahil alam kong madaming pasalubong si Daddy sa’kin. I’m a spoiled brat ever since I took my first breath. Whenever my father’s home, alam ko hindi ako mapapagalitan ng Mommy ko. Ayaw kasi ni Daddy na pinapalo ako o pinapagalitan. I’m his little princess. He doesn’t want to see me hurt.

Months passed by and I was curious why my father hasn’t come home. ‘Ilang end of the month na ang dumaan, bakit kaya wala pa si Daddy?’ Palagi kong tinatanong ang Mommy ko pero palagi niya lang akong pinapagalitan dahil sa pagtatanong ko. I also saw my mom getting drunk every night. At first I thought she’s just having a good time but no. Dumating sa point na hindi umuuwi ang Mommy ko tuwing gabi. Ang lola ko lang palagi ang kasama ko. Ang lola ko ang nag-iintindi sa’kin. Pati mga assignments ko sa school, si Lola ang tumutulong sa’kin. I barely saw my mom that time. And then one day, dumating yung tita ko, yung pinsan ni Daddy, isinama niya kami sa Manila para doon mag-celebrate ng New Year’s Eve. I was so happy kasi sabi ni Tita pupunta din daw doon si Daddy. Late na dumating si Daddy noon, almost 12 midnight na at nagkakainan na kami. Ang saya-saya ko. Hindi ko kasi maalala kung kelan kami huling nagkita.

When it was time to sleep, magkakasama kami ng Mommy at Daddy ko sa isang kwarto. I heard them talking. Halos nagsisigawan na sila. Then I heard my mom crying. Noon ko lang na-realize na hiwalay na pala sila. My mom was begging my dad to come back, but no. Ayaw niya. Umuwi din kami ng Mommy ko kinabukasan. I was not able to say goodbye to my dad ‘coz when I woke up, he’s already gone.

Nung 5 years old ako, nag-away ang Mommy at Lola ko. Lumipat kami ng bahay ng Mommy ko. That was the worst year of my life. Halos every other week iniiwan ako ng mommy ko sa bahay ng mga tita ko. Hindi ako sanay matulog ng hindi kasama ang mommy ko. That was when my nightmares begun. Every single night, nagigising lahat ng tao sa bahay ng mga tita ko dahil sa mga sigaw ko. Sabi nila umiiyak at sumisigaw daw ako sa pagtulog ko at hindi nila ako magising. Matagal bago nila ako mapakalma. Kapag tinatanong nila ako kung anong naanaginipan ko, hindi ko maalala. Sobrang bata ko pa noon para maranasan ang trauma na ’yun. Kapag sinusundo na ako ng Mommy ko, tuwang tuwa ako dahil bukod sa makakasama ko na ulit siya, hindi din ako nananaginip ng masama.

Nung first day ko sa Kindergarten I was beyond scared. Lahat naman siguro ng bata pinagdaanan ang naramdaman ko. It was a new environment, new people. I was expecting for my mom to send me to school and fetch me after. But no. My uncle did the task. Umiyak ako sa classroom. Akala nila dahil natatakot ako at naninibago, pero hindi. Umiyak ako dahil lahat ng kaklase ko nandun ang Mommy at Daddy nila, samantalang ako.. Tito lang ang naghatid tapos umalis din naman agad.

Nung kasama pa namin ang daddy ko, ang mommy ko na talaga ang disciplinarian. Pero nung naghiwalay sila, mas lumala. My mom would beat me even with the smallest mistake. Nung Grade 1 ako ang pinakamalala.