Bungou Stray Dogs Headcanons

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

Scenario: What if Dazai gets another subordinate assigned to him that he finds more useful than Akutagawa?

\V/

▵ "Yatsugare-kun, did your eyebrows merged with your eyes or something?"

▵ You are one of the few exceptional kids that the previous Boss recruited. Since he doesn't know where your allegiance lies, Mori gave you to Dazai for further monitoring and dispose of you if necessary.

▵ It's rare for someone not to shit themself when Dazai pointed a gun at them with a promise to make their life hell. You only gave him a challenging look and he smirks as he withdraws his gun.

▵ He finds that you are easier to train than Akutagawa. Your ability to regulate the temperature of anything you touch is useful on the field and you actually listen to his order, didn't speak out of line, and didn't kill witnesses recklessly as Akutagawa did.

▵ When Dazai introduced you to Akutagawa in hope of forming a partnership between the two of you, Akutagawa tried to stab you through the head with Rashoumon and you ended up burning off his coat before pummeling him to the ground.

▵ From then on it was endless days of Akutagawa trying to challenge you to a fight and him inevitably always losing. He was grumpier and glares at everyone who looks at him wrongly while you are the more amicable person between the two. The low-ranking mafioso obviously prefers you to the murderous Akutagawa.

▵ Akutagawa was really angry when Dazai pointed that out and seriously challenged you to a fight where he uses his brain instead of blindly attacking and narrowly won.

▵ You were upset about it for days, and Akutagawa was too injured to gloat. In fact, he's still not out of the Port Mafia's ICU. Every time he thought about it in his lone hospital bedroom he'd let out a creepy chuckle before wincing since it hurt his already fragile lungs.

▵ "So, Name-chan, you actually lost to Akutagawa-kun, eh?"  "Dazai-san, I will tell Hiromi-san you are cheating on her with Yoko-san." 

▵ Dazai ultimately realized that you two are not fit to form a unit like him and Chuuya.

▵ The first day Akutagawa leaves the hospital, you poured dog piss into his fig tea.

▵ He retaliates by Rashomon-ing your entire room (after he tried to kill you in person, of course). Dazai actually approves of this because Akutagawa finally learned how to lockpick to not ruin the surprise, much to your irritation.

▵ You mix bright pink hair dye into his shampoo. The next day Dazai laughed his ass off at the appearance of Happy Cure Akutagawa. Gin also suffered as an unintended casualty.

▵ Your prank wars continued all the way until Mori called you both specifically to his office. "Name-kun, Akutagawa-kun. Stop this at once. There are a lot of complaints filed against you two for various degrees of property damages, psychological traumas, and related injuries. And what's this I hear about you throwing cow....droppings into Chuuya-kun's mouth, hm?" 

▵ The two of you came to a reluctant ceasefire, but Akutagawa is less murderous towards you now that he's coming up with strategies to beat you in your usual spars. 

▵ ...obviously you will try to get back at him one final time by giving his boxer a good dust of cayenne pepper.