Hold you like a doll

Doing The Unstuck

I stare into the mirror.
My eye bags look more like suitcases, if I'm fully honest.
I stayed up all night and it's not like I tried to fall asleep.
My blueish-black coloured hair hangs loose down to waist height.

Today I will be moving out.
I get my parents but maybe they should just take themselves more time for me.
Perhaps this all wouldn't have happened if they had done that to begin with.

I'm scared of moving again.
I don't want this all to happen again just like the last time I had to move.
Although I know him, Robert, and his family for a long time now, I'm still scared.
People scare me.
I never know what's going on inside of their heads.

"Coraaa?"

My mum yells down the stairs.

"He's here!"

Panic starts to grow inside of me and my breathing gets heavy.
I bite my nails and look through my room.
I think I got everything important.

My room is big and so is my bathroom.
I still hate it.
Not my room but my bathroom.
I hate all kind of bathrooms.
They're so empty yet so filled with bad memories.

Suddenly someone knocks on the door and my nervous ticks get worse.
I start scratching my arm and biting my lip.

"Can I come in?"

It's the actually quite nice voice of Robert.
I get completely lost in my thoughts and my anxiety.

What if it happens again?
Is he the same?
No no no!
But why does he even care?
I wouldn't care.
I mean my parents don't care, so why should he?
There's nothing to care about, is there?

I scratch and scratch and scratch until suddenly I feel blood on my fingertips and then the door gets opened.
A little screech leaves my lips as I run into my bathroom to get a bandaid.
Shit!
Fuck!
Not again!
I should find a better coping mechanism!

I hear his footsteps and through the mirror I see his face peaking in.
"Are you okay?"
I nod even though it's obvious I'm not.
I'm having a full blown panic attack and I'm shaking heavily to the point where I almost fall over.

He sees my scared face and then the little blood trail on my right arm.

"Dear god! What happened?"

I'm frozen to the spot and can't talk and I'm even unable to put on a bandaid.

He walks towards me and softly takes my arm to hold it under the water tap making me whimper in fear.
He doesn't say anything but he still seems as if he'd understand.
He dries my arm and his warm fingers place the bandaid on the wound.

"Did you do that?"

His fingers run over the scratches on my arm.
And I'm still unable to talk.
My throat feels like if somebody is chocking me.

"N-Ne-Nervous... nervous ti-ticks."

Im speaking so quietly that even I can barely hear myself.

"But there's nothing to be nervous about."

He smiles warmly at me and I notice his red lipstick.
A thing he changed while I was gone last year.
I like it tho.
It suits him well.
I focus on his lips to numb out all other thoughts.
He's dressed all black wich makes the red on his pale skin even more noticeable.