Are You Done

The silence of the night and the emptiness of the room should be comforting. It was the one thing that an introverted part of me would want. I should be content, yes I should! But instead, here I was, standing in front of my full-length mirror at the far corner of my room with teary eyes as I stared back at my reflection. It wasn't a ghost that I'm seeing if that is what you were thinking. Heck, I don't believe in ghosts. Those horror movies better try harder because they didn't scare me at all! As I was saying, it was the monster in me that made me cry. I was in this loop of constant sadness and miserableness because I just couldn't accept the way that I was.

I tried blinking once. Then twice. Then I tried again, for the third time but the reflection of me remained; it was crystal clear. I didn't like the way I look! I thought I looked horrible. If I were to judge the structure and the shape of my face, I was so sure and one hundred percent resembled a potato as people nowadays would address unattractive persona. With this face, I wouldn't cut to be in society. To make it worse, I had these bumps - red and fiery, small and big or also known as pimples - scattered all over my face. I've never been this lack of confidence ever throughout my life. Up until this moment, it was a shock and somewhat a miracle that the mirror that I was standing in front of remained intact instead of getting cracked because of the ugliness that it had to witness.

I hate blaming myself for certain things that are out of my control. I hate this feeling of hating myself when I should be loving myself just the way that it was. I blinked a couple more times to make sure there weren't any more tears remaining before I slowly retreated to my haven - my bed. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. Or maybe that was what I hoped.

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Waking up early in the morning, I stretched my arms out a bit while still lying back flat and body pressed to the mattress - opening and closing my palms and making a tyre-like motion, going forward and backward with both of my shoulders. Today is the first day of school and it is going to be amazing. It should be amazing except it is not! Not when your face somehow able to develop new zits over the night. Was it me crying over the imperfections in front of the mirror is the cause of it? Or was it because of me getting stressed over the fact that I might not be able to be what the society views as beautiful?

My thoughts were disturbed by a sudden nudge on my left cheek. It feels soft to my skin and wet all at the same time. It was Uno, my female cat! One thing that I learned for my pet cat is that she will be there for me through thick and thin - without judging on the way I looked. That, my friend, is valid if you feed her and remember to always play with her. Otherwise, she'd turn into this cute monster whose bites will leave scars to your flesh - not that I mind. Another thing about Uno is, she would sneak into my bed and snuggle close to my sleeping form. Waking up to her beside me gave me this reassurance that I am loved although she is just a cat. With that, I quickly get up on my feet and dressed for school.

'You can do this, Adra. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are beau- ...'

These are the chants that will keep replaying in my head over and over again, every single day. It might be easy to believe if you were born beautiful but for me, it is not! No matter how many times I repeat the phrases, it just won't stick to my thick skull. They did nothing to stitch my damaged confidence. It does little job in returning me my self-confidence.

Returning to school should be exciting. Meeting my friends after a long school holiday should be the most awaited part of being a teenager. The subjects offered should be the only thing I zeroed my focus on. But instead, here I am, standing at the school's assembly hall with my back hunched - although it is only the first day of school, I have already brought a lot of books - and face facing the floor, afraid to make eye contact with my classmates.