Seven Steps to Heaven

Chapter Five : Pang of Remorse

You know that sound when you take something made out of glass and smash it against the floor? I could almost hear her heart making that sound as it shattered into a zillion uneven pieces.

I felt a slight pang of remorse at her pain but there was no point in lying to her about it. I was married and I did not want her to have any false hopes about us just because I was spending some time with her. Her lips were parted but I noted that her chest was not moving as it should have had she been breathing. It was almost as if the news had knocked the breath right out of her.

I was beginning to get concerned, "Mahako?" I said warily.

She did not answer, her eyes blurred and I realised they had filled with tears that she refused to shed. After a moment she spoke in a choked voice.

"Y-es?"

"Are you- quite alright?" I asked, perhaps insensitively but there was nothing else I could have done. Though I did not love my wife I could not deny the fact that I had married and fathered a son. I could deceive her even if it made her happy. She had been bluntly honest with me from the start and it was time that I returned her the same courtesy.

"You're married..." she stated. I had the distinct impression looking at her eyes that she wanted me to deny it. To tell her that it was all just a cruel joke and that I was lying. To tell her that the woman was a sister or something.

"Yes." I said quietly. "I am."

"When- since how long..?" she asked her voice barely rising over a whisper.

"It's been some time." I said avoiding monitoring her reaction closely.

She was silent once again for several heartbeats and then her expression cleared. It was almost curiously blank. She spoke calmly, "I see."

I felt the urge to say 'Do you?' but I bit my tongue back and waited for her to speak. She was suddenly not making eye contact with me and started looking about anywhere but at me. "I see." She repeated, "I had no idea."

"Nor did I." I said lightly.

"Anyhow, you should get home, your wife must be waiting." She spoke.

Something about the way she spoke the words stung me. It was as if she wanted me to leave. That was a decent way for her to tell me to get out.

"If you wish." I said stiffly and turned to leave. I picked up my wallet and car keys off her table and showed myself out the door. Half way to the elevators I heard her call my name.

"Viktor." I heard her call, I turned thinking, 'What now?'

"Your coat." She said holding it out for me. I could feel my expression harden despite myself as I walked back to her and took it from her hands.

"Thank you." I said in a clipped tone.

She nodded choosing to look at her hands instead of me, she turned to her door and closed. For a moment I stood their indignant at having a door closed in my face but then I sighed forcing myself to think from a rational mind. She was ill, she said she was in love with me and I just told her that I was married after several days of regularly meeting up with her.

Give the girl a break.

I turned and headed back to the elevators. The ride back home was both silent and loud. Silent in my ears and loud in my mind. My thoughts were consumed by worry. Worry about her. I sincerely hoped that she would be alright. I tried to picture if there was any other way in which I could have handled the matter. None came to mind. There was no other graceful way of dealing with it.