jupiter blues! ━ cedric diggory

003

iii. NO REGRET NECESSARY

 

"EXISTENCE PENETRATES ME EVERYWHERE, THE EYES, THE NOSE, THE MOUTH..."
 
- Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

 
CARMEN QUICKLY LEARNED THAT THE Wood family was as tight knit as she was with her own. Daydreams and memories swirled around her head as she watched from a distance away, searching for her home in a family that wasn't hers.

Home —

The ten minutes of distracted bliss faded as Carmen went quiet amidst their laughter, watching them with the smallest frown as if the Wood family were in a room and she was outside the window. They didn't notice, and they never did; Carmen forced a laugh at Oliver nearly dropping a glass as he stood to put his and his mother's back in the kitchen, just because Mr. and Mrs. Wood found it funny. She couldn't help but feel guilty as she flashed an actor's smile, guilty for her facade, and for how she could only see her parents in Oliver's.

A figment of her imagination manifested from behind her. There was green in its hair, its clothes, its teeth, lips, fingers, nails, its eyes -- Carmen felt the green fingers grab onto her shoulder, leaning in from where it crouched behind her to whisper bitter nothings into her ear. A part of her seemed to have fallen away as her breath came to a halt and was held ever so tightly.

The corner of Mrs. Wood's eye caught the change in demeanor, and so she gently touched Carmen's shoulder (the same shoulder, she barely realized a second later). Carmen opened one eye and saw a sympathetic smile, though she couldn't tell if Mrs. Wood saw right through her. But, to her subconscious relief, the green figured turned into green smoke that dissipated into colorless particles of dust and pollen. Carmen smiled at Mrs. Wood as if nothing had happened.

She shifted and slipped the Hogwarts letter that Dumbledore gave her from her pocket. Carmen only remembered just then that she had it there, and it was a wonder that it hadn't flown out of her pocket during the friendly Quidditch match. It wouldn't be a surprise if her mother placed a charm on her pockets when she wasn't paying attention.

One look and Carmen found herself thinking of how the letter felt wrong in her hands. She glazed over its contents, not bothering to let the words sink in — this wasn't her school, this home wasn't her home, the family wasn't hers. The world moved so fast that when it stopped, every little difference and possible struggle started to pile in front of Carmen. Each time she processed one of those details, another would present itself in front of her like a peasant in a meeting with a monarch — it was an endless list of details and differences, and Carmen wondered, What now?

And, it was just a thought, but if Carmen didn't want to go to Hogwarts, would she be allowed to decline? Could she send a letter of resignation from a school she hadn't even began to attend yet?

When it came down to the nitty gritty bits, there were too many barriers that Carmen would have to jump over. For starts, she didn't have any of her things. Her brushes, notebooks and paper, her own clothes for goodness sake, and yes, Dumbledore said that her mother left her money, but how much? And Carmen wasn't fluent in english, which was quite clear to the Wood family whose voices were difficult to understand. She's better at reading in it, but would that really be enough? And the curriculum, Carmen knew very well that Britain and Japan had two very different ways of teaching. She could cast a number of spells in English decently thanks to her British mother, but at her age of 16, students were practicing more complex spells. It's most likely the same at Hogwarts.