Dull Little Boy

4

You've stopped your physical assault on me ever since that day in the room. I think you caught on to my revelation. Now, you sit in front of my cage and talk to me. I don't listen, not that it stops you.

By the third day of you doing this, I realize you're pathetically alone. You don't talk about anything important, just your thoughts and your sister Callie and how your uncle used to do the same shit to you. I don't give a rat's ass and tell you so. You slam my head into the bars of the cage behind me, then continue talking like nothing happened.

You're insane.

The next time you come in, you're naked except for that fucking mask. I resist for the first time in days. I don't want your body close to me, I don't want you inside me, I want you to fuck off. The rebellion in me wells up and I make it as hard as possible for you. You overpower me but you're winded by the time you finish. The sweat rolls off of you and onto me.

When you leave, I cry.

I cry for me. I cry for parents who hate me. I cry for never going to school, for missing out on lockers and dates and gym and homework. I cry for being 13 and unloved. I cry for 4 years without a bed. I cry for what could have been my future and I cry for not being able to die. I just want to die.

"Why can't you just kill me?!?" I scream, twisting in my chains. My feet give out and I'm on the floor, curled into a ball. The sobs are racking my body and I don't care if it's unmanly, I want my mom. Even if she doesn't love Eli and only loves Savannah, I want my mom. I want to be loved.

Boys aren't supposed to cry. Boys aren't supposed to get raped. Boys aren't supposed to hate their bodies. Boys aren't supposed to want to die.

I punch the cage bars. I feel my fingers break but I don't relent, continuing my assault. I'm going insane. I've finally been broken. Blood splatters against the cage and finally I stop, only to hurl my body against the metal.

"You win!" I tear at the bars. "You win, goddammit, just kill me!!" I slide down to the floor. "Someone just fucking kill me."

Nobody responds. I am alone. I am so alone. I hug myself, huddled on the cold concrete floor. "Please, God, let me die," I whisper, "I just want to die. You can send me to Hell but please end this."

Drip.

Drip.

Drip. Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My head is buried in my hands. I'm so cold in my dirty t-shirt and these ugly gym shorts. I don't know how much time has passed but the manic episode finally ended, leaving me empty and worn out. My hand aches and I cradle it against my chest.

"I'm sorry, Julia." In my haze, I see her standing outside of the prison, watching me with disgust.

You're a failure. She paces in front of me, her plastic beads clicking in her braids. Her dark skin is ashy and flaking off onto the floor. I watch a large piece turn into a roach and crawl away. Lovely. I grimace as one crawls over my foot.

"I know." I can't hold her gaze.

Do you? I don't think you do. I don't think you understand how much you failed. You failed to save me. You failed to save everyone. You could have warned them.

"I tried!"

Not hard enough, white boy. You let him touch me. You did nothing to stop him. And now I'm dead. I was 11, Eli. I had a family that loved me. I was wanted. At least if you died, no one would miss you. You'd just be another homeless kid, dead on the streets. I'd still be alive, if it weren't for you. Julia crouches down in front of me. Her eyes are dead,  empty and cold.

"I tried to stop him. I swear." The tears are hot, streaking my face

You didn't. You just sat there and watched.

"That's not true."

You. Did. Nothing. She leans in even closer and she smells like blood and piss and sweat and death and it overwhelms my senses. You should kill yourself.

I'm unable to speak so I nod. I want to so badly it burns but there's something stopping me.

She sneers at I nod. You won't kill yourself. You're too much of a coward. Don't lie to me, Eli.

"I'm so sorry." My chest aches, more painful than any physical assault.

I hope you die. She dissolves in front of me and I sit and stare at the empty space she left.

I have nothing. I am nothing. There's nothing left to cry but I want to. I want to be weak. I want to breakdown again. I want to not exist. I need to not exist.

I kick at one of the bars and hear a metal clank. It falls onto the floor and I stare at it.

It's rusted and corroded and yet it's my only way out.

I drag it into the cell and begin to think.