Who is the Alien now?

Chapter 13

So far the night has been quite good actually. At least until the "ape" began whimpering loudly enough to be really annoying.
Who am I kidding ? In reality the noise pierces my heart and my soul feels so sad. Is it because we're mates ?
A louder whimpering resounds in the room drawing my attention to Ael. He is sweating a lot which surprisingly doesn't repulse me. I'm even more attracted. His innocent look makes me want to hug him and comfort him so he never has to worry about anything. Despite all of this, something's keeping me away. This something is my overthinking brain.
I may look pretty confident in front of people but I'm just hiding all my fears and insecurities. I feel like everybody is judging me and seeing me as a loser, a coward. I've always believed that all my former friends left because of me even if I've been told countless times that it's just life. I've always perceived myself as a waste, unworthy of any kind of affection.
Is it because I was friendless when I was young ? Is it because I'd rather talk than enjoying myself ? Is it because I've never considered myself pretty ? Is it because I've always had toxic friends ? I don't know, I really don't. I do know one thing : I've messed up. Thousands of times. Despite this, can I become a decent person ? Can I love myself ? I've started trying. My first help was music. Three years ago, I began listening to a new genre. It taught me a lot about self love and self acceptance. Thanks to it I understood I didn't need anyone to help me as I was the only one able to rebuild myself. However, I'm barely starting to get back on my feet and to heal. When will I get to the end of this tortuous and painful road ?
Being kidnapped didn't really traumatize me. I knew perfectly that one day I would be taken away by a Matter and that I'd have to live anyway. Perhaps this drastic change is a sign of fate telling me to become worthy of my existence in this world.
Not being able to comfort the only being who can love me unconditionally sickens me. I tuck him so he won't catch a cold and clean the sweat off his forehead.
I go back to bed heavy-hearted and depressed. For some reason, the bed doesn't seem as inviting as yesterday.

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