An Unexpected Romance ~Drarry~

Chapter 18

Hey everyone, sorry for the wait. I'll explain more at the end, but this chapter is basically just gonna be Draco's initial reaction to his diagnosis and how he reflects back of himself kinda.

I screamed until I couldn't scream anymore. Literally. I screamed so much I lost my voice. I'm not sure I even noticed at first. I just carried on screaming while my screams got quieter and quieter. I didn't even notice I was screaming but no sound was coming out of my mouth. My brain felt like it had been melt, frozen, and was now on fire. It was like I had a percussion band inside my head and they were playing at full volume. I felt sick and dizzy but I wasn't even sure I cared. I didn't care about anything anymore.

I snuck out that night. I forced my way through the rest of the day, insisting I was tired and wanted to rest. I think Madam Pomfrey suspected that wasn't the case but she didn't push it. So I ended up just wandering the castle at 4am not really knowing or caring where I was going. It was like I was sleepwalking, but I was fully awake. It was like a darkness surrounded me, separating me from the world.

Somehow, I ended up at the astronomy tower. I walked over to the railing, and admired every bright and amazing star I saw up there. It always made me feel so small when I saw them. As I got older, I felt more insignificant. Ever since I'd practically started Hogwarts and my first pitiful waves of depression began to slip in, I'd always thought that unless you made a mark on the World - in history - you'd be forgotten. I couldn't bare to be forgotten. I couldn't stand the thought of there being no trace of you. A nobody. I needed it for myself. I guess with all the abuse and insults I got back at the Manor, I needed to prove my father wrong. I needed to prove my mind wrong.

I guess that's why I bullied. Well, there were several reasons - but two main ones. One was that I needed a way to push people away. I couldn't let them see how vulnerable, broken... how weak I was. I needed to be strong and tough. I didn't want to be like that. My plan was to make friends and laugh and smile and get good grades. But then there was my first...well 2nd, but in Madam Malkins I didn't know it was him, but my meeting with Harry. I'd never even really wanted to be rude in Madam Malkins. I only did that because I knew my father was lurking somewhere and I couldn't risk him overhearing me speak anything that wasn't to his liking or beliefs.

As soon as I knew it was Harry I felt like I normally did when my father was glaring down at me, crucio on the tip of his tongue. My anxiety was skyrocketing and I ended up just parroting my father. It was so easy to do having heard it so many times before. I barely even realised I was doing it. When I looked back on it that night I hated myself. It was the first time I'd actually hated myself. I wished I could apologise the next day but I thought it would make me seem weak or that I was a suck-up, or even desperate. So I went along with it. I wish I hadn't. If I had apologised, then maybe I would have had more of a life.

But then another reason why I bullied was to build myself up. God, it was pathetic. Knocking people down to build myself up. But it helped me keep my thoughts and emotions at bay. It didn't build my confidence, it shattered it. Every word, insult, disgusting remark broke me that tiny bit more. Now look at me. In 5 months I was most likely going to die, and the only things I'd be remembered for was being a lousy bully and a heartbroken mess. I'd be in the history no one would look at. If they did I wouldn't be looked up to.

I'd be pitied.

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(You don't have to read this)

Okay, that's chapter 18. Again, I'm sorry for the wait, but my will to live was steadily going down and I'd completely lost motivation to write anything. Sorry, I don't mean to be whinging or anything, I just figured you guys deserved some kind of explanation after nothing for a month. I hadn't even realised it had been that long.

This lock down hasn't exactly been...good. Well, I doubt it's been good for anyone, but yeah...maybe you'll get what I mean. Although, I did finally decide on my sexuality after months of thinking and research.

... I don't know why I mentioned that but fuck it. But anyway, hopefully we won't get another wave and have to go through this shit again. Okay, I'm gonna go now.  So...yeah. Bye, and stay safe.
(Also Black lives matter, and fuck anyone who says otherwise)