serotonin || calum hood

chapter one

  Saying goodbye is always the hardest, but knowing you won't be returning is even harder.

As I sit in seat D-07, I can't help but feel like I've made a mistake. I know deep down I haven't, but that doesn't make the pain any less bearable. I miss both of my parents, but they set this all up, they told me it was for the best.

Thousands of feet up in the air and I couldn't feel more helpless. Is this what a panic attack feels like? Suddenly, I hear a dinging noise come from the speakers. "Good evening, it is currently 6:47 PM in the sunny state of California. In approximately 20 minutes we will be landing at LAX airport. Please put your seat belts on, put up your tray tables and prepare for landing. We hope you had a wonderful flight, thank you for flying with us today."

The captain's intercom turns off, and I am quick to do exactly as instructed. I may have been hesitant to leave my hometown, but I can't turn back now. As soon as I feel the airplane land, I immediately rise up from my seat and reach for my carry-on in the overhead bin.

I rush out of the plane and retrieve my bags as quickly as I can to head out and find the only person I know in this highly populated city. Right when I spot her, I pick up all my bags and run

as fast as I can towards my sweet older cousin. "Rina!" she screams. She practically lifts me in the air, so belated to see me after such a long awaited reunion.

I catch the angry glares of people passing by, only to realize I'm holding up traffic. "Oh come on, they'll get over it. You'll never see them again!" She pauses to look at me once more before badgering me with more questions. "How are you?! I haven't seen you in forever and I cannot wait to get home and get settled. I just arrived last night, and the new place is wonderful!"

After a few more minutes of talking, we are now headed to our new home in a suburban neighborhood on the outer layer of Los Angeles. Once we arrived Guili was quick to help bring my bags inside and show me to my new home; a full-sized air mattress in the middle of our empty "living room".

After Guili shows me around the place, she heads off to make us dinner and I go to the bathroom. Once I relieve myself, I look at myself in the mirror. God, do i always look this bad after a flight? I swiftly splash some water on my face, fix my hair and give myself a quick pep-talk before heading off to the kitchen. Giuili is standing over the stove, slaving over whatever she is making us for dinner. After a moment of sitting in silence, she takes the initiative to start more conversation.

"So Rina, your parents didn't fill me in on why you wanted to move out to LA. Are you gonna stand there looking like an idiot with your jaw on the floor or are you gonna tell me what's going on?" I subconsciously close my mouth before pondering on what I should tell her.

"Nope," making a conscious effort to pop the "p". "Maybe later, but for right now I just want to eat and get ready for bed. I feel exhausted, and we have a busy day tomorrow." She nods silently while setting out plates for our food. We sit in silence, the tension from our previous conversation keeps us from sparking another one. I hate to say it, but I am feeling terribly awkward. Our earlier conversation didn't do us any good, but it also doesn't help that I haven't spoken to Guili in years. Once we finish, we put our paper plates in the trash can and head our separate ways to get ready for bed.

Finally, feeling clean and relaxed, I hop onto our air mattress and scroll through social media for a moment before I feel the mattress give way under her weight as she gets comfortable next to me.

"Hey Rina?"

"Yes Guili?"

"You know you can tell me anything right?"

"Of course, I'll just tell you when I am ready."

"All right then. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight Rina."

"Goodnight Guili."

I stare blankly at the ceiling as I lay on my back and think of my plans for tomorrow. Shower, eat breakfast, build some new furniture that should be arriving, unpack, so on and so forth. It puts my mind at ease as I slowly drift off to sleep. My anxiety is slowly bubbling down now that I have a somewhat structured plan of whatever tomorrow may entail.