Too far gone (Harry Potter)

Chapter 6

Harry's PoV:

I feel so alone, even though I'm surrounded by people. Everyone else is happily going about their lives whilst I'm sitting here feeling pain, sadness and isolation. It's selfish I know, some people have it worse.

So instead of going to Sirius and Remus or even my friends, I hide my insecurities and problems as not to burden them with my pettiness. For some people have it worse.

———skip————

I'm currently trying to sleep, but as usual I can't. And I can't smoke as Ron may wake up. Me and him share a room in Grimmauld Place. I don't mind but I just wish I could smoke. My hands are shaking badly. My cravings are going wild but I hold out until the morning. As soon as it's morning and Ron goes to shower, I lock the door not wanting anyone to come in and smoke my remaining cannabis and snort the rest of my cocaine. My eyes are bloodshot where I only slept about an hour last night.

I then feel a lot better, I didn't have nightmares last night but that's because I didn't have time to. So I shouldn't feel the need to cut, but I do. I do feel the need and it scares me as I realise I've become dependent on that shard of glass slicing over my skin just to live. I need it with me when I need to keep myself alive, when I get those voice (thoughts) telling me to commit suicide, I need to self harm just to stop them. It's my only way of living. But honestly I'm not really sure if I want to live anymore.

NO HARRY! YOU CANT BE SELFISH! WHAT ABOUT SIRIUS AND REMUS AND YOUR FRIENDS?

But they wouldn't care would they?

YES THEY WOULD NOW STOP CUTTING AND GO DOWNSTAIRS THIS INSTANT AND TELL THEM YOUR STRUGGLING! THEY WILL UNDERSTAND!

Nobody will ever understand you because your a freak.

Freak
Freak
FREAK!

I shake my head, tears for once spilling down my face as I fight for control. Eventually I manage to shut the voices up. Still not realising they're my own thoughts. Split personality if you will.

I wipe away my tears and lock away my emotions. The voices locked right away in the back of my mind. I know one day they will break that lock and I will break along with it but for now it will do.

He's basically bottling his emotions up until he breaks.

I slash my wrists three times on each and then roll down my sleeves, forgetting the blood will show up on my light blue hoodie or that Remus would be able to smell it as I hadn't washed my wrists. But I did remember to dispel the smell of the drugs. I ran out of drink ages ago so I needn't worry about it.

It was the day before we go back to Hogwarts, Molly and Arthur were planning on bringing us kids out to Diagon alley to get our supplies. I had already got mine so I was just going to stay here with Remy and Siri.

"Children, downstairs please!" Molly called.

We all went downstairs and into the dining room with the adults.

"So as you know we are going to Diagon alley today, Tonks will be coming for extra protection." Arthur said.

"Oh by the way Molly, Arthur I don't need to go as I retrieved everything I needed at the start of the summer." I said.

"Are you sir you've everything?" Molly asked kindly.

I nodded, "yes Molly I'm sure."

She nodded and then walked to the floo with the others. They all flooed one by one, Ginny being the last.

"See ya Harry, Sirius and Remus."

"Bye."

"Goodbye Ginny." Sirius and Remus said.

I turned to walk upstairs when Remus said, "cub are you ok, I can smell blood?"

My eyes widened and I began to panic. I couldn't cut in front of them so I dug my nails into the palm of my hand.

"Y-yeah, just cut my hand slightly." I said.

"Are you sure?" He pressed.

I nodded and went to walk away again when this time Sirius grabbed me by the wrist, causing me to wince. He must have caught it as he dragged me back into the room and practically shoved me into one of the chairs. I was quite surprised he didn't tie me up the way he was going.

"Why are you digging you nails into your hands puppy? I can see the blood and smell it now." He asked slowly and cautiouslyz

"I...I uh." I was panicking badly at this point, I had gone even paler and was sweating slightly.

"Don't even think about lying cub. We will know if you are." Remus said sternly.

I shook my head, not answering then I stood up but Sirius held me by the shoulders so I couldn't run out. I was struggling against Sirius in panic but it only seemed to worry them further. I was shaking all over and for once not from withdrawal, it was from blatant fear and panic. At this point the must have seen the blood not only on my hands but the stains seeping through my hoodie at the wrist. As they were trying to roll my sleeves up. But I kept pulling my arms away.

"Pup just hold still for a minute." Sirius pleaded.

"N-no!" I said, ripping myself away from them.

Sirius then tried a different approach.

"Why, what's the matter Harry?" He asked gently.

"Nothing l-leave me alone!" I shouted.

Eventually they managed to drag my to the front room and sat me on the sofa, Remus holding me down with his extra strength from being a werewolf and Sirius rolling my sleeves up. I had tears streaming down my face as I continued to struggle but it was in vain as my thin weak frame was nothing against the werewolf's strength.

Sirius finally got my right sleeve up but recoiled in shock. Remus also let go off me in shock.

"H-Harry...." Remus said sadly.

I just slumped down, head hanging as tears carried on coming. Sirius ran his hands through his hair and said, "oh merlin...".

See now you've ruined it with them. They hate you now! The voice told me.

As soon as the voice told me that I let out a small sob. But it was a heart wrenching noise. I was practically gasping for air, crying and having a panic attack at the same time wasn't working out very well. As soon as my breathing became fast and haggard, Sirius knelt down in front of me and put both of his hands gently on either side of my jaw and pulled my head up to look at him. As soon as he saw the tears and bloodshot eyes, he closed his eyes, clearly upset himself.

"Pup...oh puppy...why didn't you say something?" He said through his own tears.

I shook my head, unable to answer. He put his arms around my thin waist and pulled me off the sofa and onto his lap. I struggled against him, feeling rather silly as I was 15. He must have picked up on my embarrassment as he said, "pup I don't care how old you are, you will always be my baby."

And with that, I let the dam break. I sobbed against his shoulder, as he rubbed circles on my back in an attempt to calm me down. Remus was sitting on the floor next to Sirius, running his fingers through my hair, soothing me.

Sirius' POV:

Every sob was a wrench at mine and Remus' hearts, I felt awful. And I know he did too, how could we not have noticed he was hurting.

I was rubbing his back, with Remus running his fingers through our pup/cubs hair slowly but surely calming him. His sobs reduced to sniffles and slight whimpers. The noises still hurt as much as the full on sobs, any kind of crying from him did. Probably because he never cried. Even as a baby he barely cried, he was always a happy bouncy baby full of life and energy but now the only reason he never cried was because he was somehow using occlumency to lock away his feelings.

-B