Sins Of The Mother (TRLS)

Chapter 12

TRIGGER WARNING: depression/ suicide related content/substance abuse

   I felt my body slip from the railing willing itself to plunge into the dark depths benath me; ready to deliver my body to the earth from where it came. Suddenly my trance like state was interrupted as my body stalled from falling due to a tight tug on my wrist. My eyes snapped open as I realized what I've done. I screamed in terror and flailed my body around as I hung over the trench below me. "Stop moving!" The person yelled. It was him. His eyes were swimming with sorrow and determination as he leaned over the railing holding onto my wrist. My vision was clouded and I felt dizzy as he pulled me up as I shrieked in horror. I looked down below me and began to sob uncontrollabily.

   He almost had me up over the railing when I slipped once more, but he caught me by the waist and hauled me up over the railing causing me to fall onto him on the balcony in a heap of sadness. "You're okay, everything is going to be okay," he said as he held me close. "Tom?" I asked as I couldn't believe he was here. But when I looked up at him his eyes were that of another man. "Roslyn it's me, Jimmy." I cried out in sadness as I scrambled to get off of him and stuck myself in the corner burying my face in my knees. "Why are you here?! Who let you in?!" I cried angrily. "I came to see how you were doing I heard you scream from the drive way and I ran all the way up here," he said getting up and walking towards me.  "Leave, you should've just left me," I said. "Let me help you back inside," he said. "No! Leave me alone!" I yelled turning away from him. "Roslyn please you're drunk," he stated. "Don't touch me!" I yelled as he reached down to pick me up from my position on the ground. "It's too cold for you to be out here in a nightgown. Please let me help you," he said softly. I looked up at him and saw his soulful eyes looking down at me in worry, and for some reason I let him come closer. I didn't stop crying as he carried me into the house and placed me on the sofa.

   I looked over to my side table and reached for my bottle of pain killers immediately. "You shouldn't mix medication with alcohol," he said, snatching the bottle from my hands. "You give those back to me," I growled as I went to grab them from him. "Have you taken any of these today?" He asked me urgently. "Give them to me!" I yelled angrily. "Do you even take these just as prescribed?" He asked. "Give me my damn pills!" I cried angrily. My painkillers have been what gets me through these painful nights they were given to me after my procedure, they make me numb. "No," he said getting up and walking away. "What are you doing?" I asked jumping up from the couch and running after him. "No! No you can't!" I screamed as he walked into the bathroom and opened the lid to the toilet. "Stop! Please!" I cried as he dumped the whole bottle into the toilet. "You bastard!" I pushed him as I watched the pills float around in the toilet bowl. I pulled at my blonde hair feeling my heart race. "What have you done?!" I made a move to run but he caught me. "Let me go! I want to die!" My life didn't make sense to me anymore I had been numbing everything and distracting myself from my issues all this time and now here they are I'm facing them head on. "Roslyn!" He yelled as I kicked and screamed in his arms. "This isn't you! This is not who you are!" He exclaimed as he struggled to contain me. "How would you know? You hardly know me!" I wailed. "This is not the same doe eyed girl I met all those months ago. The girl who wanted to be a star. The smart girl that treats people with kindness. This is not you!" I couldn't think straight, my mind was focused on numbing the pain. "You have no idea what I've been through!" I fell to the ground no longer struggling. "That's not who you are. I know you Roslyn. Please listen to me, you're drunk and not thinking straight, and if I'm not wrong you probably mixed pain killers and alcohol tonight. This is not who you are. I'm going to lay you down okay? We need to flush your system," he said as he picked me up.

   I no longer had the energy to fight him, all I could focus on were the cries coming from upstairs. My sweet children. I've spent more time trying to drown out my sadness than with them. My heart aches for them, I'm the worst mother ever. "Why are you doing this?" I asked as he brought me back to the sofa. "Because I care about you Roslyn," he said. "Why?" I asked wondering why someone would put so much effort into me instead of throwing me to a mental institution. "Because I know you, I know the real Roslyn, and that girl is worth saving."

   After that night I spent days detoxing and flushing out my system of the vices I plagued it with. I spent the days throwing up and shaking from my addiction to anything that would distract me from my pain. As much as I hated to admit it Jimmy saved my life in more ways than one that night and I'll never forget that. He saved me in all the ways a person could be saved. He made me believe that I was worth saving. He gave me hope again. Every night he came by with a bouquet of roses to remind me that I was worth it. The flowers motivated me to be strong and for that I was thankful. He said they were a reminder of the beauty in my life. He learned about my children and it's as if he wasn't even affected learning about their existence. In fact he was quite fond of them. It's like he was my new distraction from my crazy life. We did everything together. We were stuck like glue, and for the time being.....it was perfect.