↔ conflicted ↔

↔solitude was the only option. ↔

this here is the first chapter to my book... im lowkey excited xd. this chapter is about me going to school after being home schooled for 3 years. 

Monday Morning. It was a new day and a new beginning. I was so excited as I stepped into my Dad's car and knew that this was the start of a new chapter in my life. One where I would go to school, and possibly even make loads of friends.
From a distance, school looked like heaven. Friends, games and fun- that's what it appears to be... right? Well.. if only I knew what it really was.

My first day went by pretty quickly, as did my first week. I very easily became the teacher's pet and was a genuinely likeable character in the class. 

Everything was all nice and lovely- it was right. However, there was one thing that wasn't exactly wrong, it just wasn't right. And that was.. that I didn't fit in. 

When I went in that building, I just felt like I didn't belong there, almost as if, if I was not there it would not make a difference to anyone. I felt like if I didn't come no one would notice, and that I wasn't anything special to anyone there. I was fairly new, had been there for around a month, so I can't have expected to be best friends with someone in such a short space of time. Despite all the defences I could give myself for not being close with everyone, I could not defend myself against the feelings of being lonely. 

It was like I was there, in a room surrounded with so many people, yet I was not present in any conversation- no one would direct a question at me, nor would I direct a question at anyone else, and if I did it would basically be straight out of awkwardNESS.

Every time I said something, or anything really... It would just come out wrong and I'd look stupid. 

Months went by, and I sat there eating lunch on my own, out of my own accord. It was out of respect for myself to not stay where I was not wanted, but in their eyes... it labelled me as awkward, shy and someone who was antisocial.

After not really connecting well with the others and sitting on my own most of the time, entertaining myself through reading, drawing or something else... I just wanted to have a friend and I was sick of being alone. It was pathetic and I was lonely, and losing my mind to being without anyone to talk to being in that building for God knows how long per day.

I tried to go and sit with the others numerous times, so many times, so many damn times... but every time it was the same as before. I was ignored, no one would pay any attention to me and sometimes I'd feel really unwanted. I was the second youngest in the class, and sometimes people would 'politely' request I leave the room or the conversation for a few minutes because I was apparently too young to hear it, but the girl who was actually the youngest in the whole class was not too young.

Sometimes people made rude remarks about me, and I was also the only Asian in the class besides one other girl who was not at-all cultural... so basically... I was the only Asian in the class (not that being cultural would define where you are from, but obviously if you are true to your roots, eat ethnic food you are obviously more of a cultural and like... I mean idk, you should get what I mean). The class mostly consisted of one ethnicity, and if someone mocked my culture I would never dare to say something about theirs, since there were too many people from the same background. I would legit get rushed by like ten of them dare I say anything against their culture.

I preferred being alone than feeling alone when around people. To enjoy my own company was better than overthinking about what the others thought of me and what their opinions were. 

As time went on, I realised the real problem in everything. 

I was afraid of not being accepted, and I therefore never expressed the way I felt. I was never confident to stand up for myself and I therefore did not really socialise with others. Anything I said I would think about for the rest of the day. It was like I was not good enough. They would raise their eyebrows at whatever I said. I was not at their level. No amount of Instagram followers, jokes or anything else... could change that.

When I say I tried... I mean I put out a fake smile and tried to fit in without expressing who I truly was. I had different advice from different places as to how I should fit in, or even if I should try to. People told me different things and the only thing or person I didn't follow was my own heart.

If someone said something rude or mean to me, all I could do is pretend I was okay and cry about it when I got home. I could not stick up for myself because I had put myself down as this  antisocial submissive persona that I really wasn't. People thought I was shy. I'm a total extrovert!

I could just not fit in with anyone in that entire building, I could not speak a single word without feeling a wave of embarrassment and lingering fear rolling off my tongue. What's worse is that I didn't know how to sort this out. I needed to show people who I really was.

How could I go from being the shy antisocial girl to the person I truly was? it would be weird to just one day... out of the blue start talking. 

I just had no direction or idea where I could go from there. To gradually start talking? the year was practically almost over now. 

Things were all a mess... and I could only blame myself.

Solitude was the only option.