Can't You Feel It? - A Hamlaf Fanfiction

Chapter 5

Alexander Hamilton took great pride in his appearance. Before the Washingtons had adopted him, he only had a few ragged, salt stained clothes with him.

On Nevis he had never looked the best. Now that he had an extensive closet and what felt like an unlimited amount of clothes, Alex could be slightly more careful over how he looked.

When the doorbell rang, Alex slid down the banister easily and answered the door first. He opened it with an easy smile as he saw who it was.

"Hey Laf. You wanna come in or do ya wanna just get this over with?" he asked, holding the door open in invitation. Lafayette hesitantly stepped into the Washington residence, smiling weakly at Alex.

"Merci Alexander," he said politely, standing in the front hall awkwardly. Alex nodded his head distractedly at the thank you and grabbed Laf's hand.

"C'mon, before my parents-" he started.

"Before your parents what Alex?" asked George amusedly. Laf, however, was paying no attention to the conversation, he was staring at his and Alex's linked hands in a mixture of fear and horror.

Alex glanced back at him, saw the look on his face and instantly released him. "Laf, I'm so sorry. I forgot," he said, looking furious with himself.

Laf just shrugged, trying to play it off as no big deal. "C'est bon Alexander," he replied. "Je vais bien." Alex swallowed, but took Laf's reassurances.

"Ok then. If you're sure," he said doubtfully. "Why don't you, um, head up to my, uh, room? It's, erm, it's the third door on the right. I'll be, I'll be right there, I just need to talk to Mr Washington first," Alex explained.

Laf nodded wordlessly and walked briskly up the stairs. He found Alex's bedroom easily and entered it, inhaling sharply as he did so.

By their rooms alone Lafayette could tell that Alexander and James were polar opposites. Alex's room was a mess with plain walls while James' bedroom wall was covered from floor to ceiling with pictures, posters and magazine cuttings and the rest of his room was impeccably tidy.

James had a small picture of Alex on his bedside table, the boy obviously younger and happy. He was laughing and Laf found himself wishing he knew what he was laughing at.

Next to that, there was another photo. James was standing beside his little brother, pointing out something behind whoever was taking the photograph, their father, Laf presumed.

The two boys mother watched them dotingly and, while the three were all in the picture, it was blatantly aimed at the woman.

James also had pictures of Lafayette up on his walls. All of which were from when they first started dating, when everything was fine and Laf was oh so in love with James Hamilton Jr.

Alex's walls were a light grey color. Not a single photo frame or poster. A couple of shelves held some books, but most of his vast collection were either in a pile next to his bed or in his massive bookcase.

When Laf trailed over to his bed to sit down, he saw that there were a few photos on his bedside table too, similar to the arrangement James had.

One was the same one that James had, the one with the whole family apart from their father. Laf shivered slightly at the sight of it. Another was similar to the one of Alex that James had, only Alex's was of the woman Laf recognised as the boy's mom.

There was a strip of pictures like the ones that you get out of a photo booth that featured Alex and the Schuyler sisters. The four were laughing in the first one, probably at Peggy, who had sprawled across all their laps.

The second one showed Peggy balancing on Angelica's back, the four of them all looking straight into the camera and grinning. The third was just Alex and Eliza posing over dramatically and the fourth was Peggy and Angelica doing the same.

The final picture that Alex had was one of him and the Washingtons, probably taken not long after Alex had been adopted. George was beaming proudly, a large hand clapped on Alex's shoulder while Alex stood there slightly stiffly, the lean into Martha almost unnoticeable.

Martha had a hand on Alex's head and she was leaning against George. The three looked slightly awkward but happy.

Laf smiled at the last two sets of photos. The first two held an air of sadness around them probably because Alex didn't have either of the other people in them. The more recent ones, however, carried a spirit of glee.

The door opened, and Laf jumped away from the pictures guiltily, as though he shouldn't have been looking at them. Alex wasn't even looking at him though, just picking through the mess on his floor and coming to join him on the bed.

He reached for the photograph of his mother, smiling sadly. "You probably already know who this is," he started quietly. "My mother was the nicest person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Martha's a close second, but-" Alex cut himself off with a sigh, putting the picture back where it was.

Laf contemplated touching him, just rubbing his back or touching his hand, something to let him know that he understood. He didn't. Instead, he said, "Oui je sais." Alex smiled again.

Then he said, "James has that picture too, doesn't he?" Lafayette nodded, slightly confused. "I should have thought about that before asking you to come up here. I'm sorry."

Laf did touch him this time, on the shoulder tentatively. "Do you ever miss him?" he asked quietly. Alex paused a bit at the question.

"Why would I? He was an asshole. I hate him," he replied, hugging himself. Laf shook his head causing Alexander to look at him confused.

"Non," Laf said, equally as quiet as before.

"No?" Alex repeated in English. "What do you mean "no"?"

"No. I meant, do you miss him back before he was, as you so eloquently put it, an asshole?" Laf amended his earlier question. Alex inhaled deeply.

"Of course I do," he whispered. "How could I not? He was my brother." Laf hummed, listening, but finding no words to say in response.

"What about you? Do you miss the James you first started dating?" Alex asked. Laf shrugged and nodded. That was all Alex needed because he just hummed too.

The two sat there together, Laf's hand on Alex's shoulder until he started to panic. Laf whipped his hand away and tried to keep his breathing steady.

Alex had panic attacks pretty regularly, when storms hit or he or someone he loved got sick, so he was essentially an expert on him. So, naturally, he picked up on Laf's tiny one and looked concerned.

"Lafayette?" he asked, his voice very small. When Laf grunted in acknowledgement, he continued, "Do you want me to leave? Or get Washington or something?" Laf shook his head.

"Non, stay Alexandre. S'il vous plaît," he begged. Alex nodded, not moving. Laf was the one to move closer to him, inching towards him nervously.

He stopped when he was arm-to-arm with Alex. His breathing slowed and the moment it had, Alex scooted away from him. Laf frowned. "Alex," he started. "Do you dislike me?"

Alex's face shot round and looked into Laf's. "W-what? No, no, I don't dislike you," he rushed to assure Lafayette. But, he obviously failed because Laf's face fell.

"You don't dislike me," Laf repeated slowly. "So you don't like me either." Alex practically groaned.

"No, no, no. I do like you Lafayette. But you're scared of me, or at least my brother, and I don't want to make it worse by making you feel uncomfortable around me," he explained. Laf nodded slowly, confusion still written all over his face.

"Ah," he said. The two stayed quiet for a few more minutes. Then Laf said, "I'll take you to James' apartment now," and stood up, walking to the door. Alex followed him.