Haz is Calling

Chapter 6: Hugh Jass

[Sunday, August 29th, 2010 - 1:24 AM]

Haz is calling...

Haz: (in a deep, blatantly fake american accent) "Hello, sir."

Tommo: (caught off guard) "Who the-"

Haz: "Is this Hugh?"

Tommo: (exasperated) "Harry, what the hell are you doing?"

Haz: "I have never met that man in my life. Who is this Harry you speak of?"

Tommo: "I believe you're the Harry I'm speaking of."

Haz: "Sir, I can guarantee you I'm not."

Tommo: "Alright then, who am I speaking with?"

Haz: "First name's Heywood." (trying to stifle laughter) "Last name's Jablowme."

Tommo: "..."

Haz: "Sir?"

Tommo: "Sorry, I just need a moment."

Haz: "A moment for what?"

Tommo: "I just-." (shaking his head) "Heywood Jablowme, huh?"

Haz: (fake startled) "Whoa, whoa, sir!" (cheeky) "Let's keep this relationship professional, at least take me out first."

Tommo: "Trust me, mate. I do NOT want to go anywhere with you."

Haz: "That's a bit harsh, don't you think?"

Tommo: "No, I don't actually."

Haz: "But I was going to take you to a mushroom museum."

Tommo: "I'm allergic to mushrooms."

Haz: "Why not? My friends have told me I'm quite the fungi." (eager) "Get it? Because fungi, FUN guy?"

Tommo: "How do you have friends when you say things like that?"

Haz: "Well, that was uncalled for." (hopeful) "What about a walk at the park?"

Tommo: "I'm allergic to pollen."

Haz: (breaking character) "God, me too. Terrible, innit?"

Tommo: "Absolutely dreadful it is." (ranting) "I can't even fookin' go outside without me eyes getting all itchy. Like, you know, I'm a popular guy, obviously. Staying inside isn't an option. So, you convince yourself that maybe it'll be okay, but deep down you know it won't be. And then you've got to pack extra tissues and shit so you have something to control the waterworks when you start crying more than a college student looking at their debt." (sidetracked) "You only make that mistake once. One snot covered sweater sleeve will teach you that lesson, alright." (irritated) "And don't get me started on them fookin' eye drops-"

Haz: (interrupting to save himself) "I could settle for a dinner date?"

Tommo: "Ah, real pity that is. I'm allergic to tables."

Haz: "We could-"

Tommo: "Listen, Hepatitis, was it?

Haz: (grumpy mumbling) "Heywood."

Tommo: "Just a little bit curious-" (glancing at his phone) "Why does your caller ID say Harry Styles?"

Haz: (dropping accent, appalled) "It does?"

Tommo: "Yup, says you're ringing from good ole Cheshire." (sarcastic) "I've heard they have good cheese there, what are your thoughts?"

Haz: "Shit-" (flustered) "I mean, the cheese is good." (panicking) "No, I mean, god why do you know where I live. Christ, how do you hang u-"