Aftermath

Part 6

I blinked my eyes open, seeing the fuzzy warm light leaking in through the windows. I blinked a few times to clear my visions, when I felt Derek. I was still wrapped in his arms in the hospital bed, but he was rubbing my back soothingly. 

"God, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" I started, beginning to sit up.

"Don't apologize. How did you sleep?"

I sat all the way up and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tame it. 

"How long was I asleep?"

"Few hours. It's morning now." He responded.

"Oh, I must have been hurting you for so long, I'm sorry..." 

"Stop apologizing," he insisted with a small chuckle, "how did you sleep?"

I watched him for a moment, trying to figure out what to say, He raised his eyebrows.

"That's the first time I've really slept since..." I trailed off, sighing.

"You finally slept," he smiled.

I nodded. It was like my husband was somehow able to ward off all terrible dreams as long as I was in his arms. I couldn't sleep without him. And I came too close to having to. 

I swung my feet over the edge of the bed and placed my face in my hands.

"Every single time I close my eyes I see his face. I see the gun, and I see you. I feel your blood on my hands, and I lose it."

Derek sighed softly, he started to say something in response but I continued.

"It's like a broken record player. I keep reliving the same horrible few hours of my life. Over, and over, and over again."

With the last line of my sentence, my voice broke and I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes. I blinked them back and rubbed my face, trying to pull myself together.

"I was standing there, in front of him. And all I could think about was you." Derek started quietly.

I frowned and looked up at him, not sure where this was going. 

"I thought about how hard it would be for you, if I died. I didn't want to leave you. It...it was terrifying, the prospect of dying, of leaving you."

I gave him a confused look, still not sure what he was trying to say with this.

"Then he shot. I felt the bullet, the pain. Everything went fuzzy, and then you appeared. I thought he was going to get you too. I told you to leave me and save yourself."

"I stayed. There was no well in hell I was going to leave you like that."

"You are all I can think about, Meredith. I don't have the nightmares like you, but I love you, and you are the only thing that's ever on my mind."

At that, I smiled. it meant a lot, I didn't really have a lot of people care for me when I was growing up. How was it possible that a man like Derek could love a woman like me?

"Clearly this is a lot harder for you mentally and emotionally than it is for me."

I looked away. He wasn't scarred by being shot. How was that even possible? I just wanted to help him, and he's laying in a hospital bed after major surgery trying to help me. 

"But it's harder for you physically," I told him quickly.

My losing a baby was nothing compared to the surgeries, physical therapy, and drugs he was going to have to do. Not to mention the weeks of recovery. He had to worry about himself, not me.