Aftermath

Part 18

Shock flooded over my body. I was speechless. Not sure why, I mean what was I expecting? Of course Carolyn wanted to know what happened the day her son got shot. But what do I say?

"Mom, this isn't really the best subject..." Derek started slowly, his eyes never leaving me. 

"I want to know what happened, Derek. Is that really so much to ask?" 

Derek was about to respond but I cut him off.

"I have PTSD," I said bluntly. "And I seem to cry every time I talk about this,"

Both people were silent. I knew I had to tell the story. But which parts should I leave out? I cleared my throat and took a steadying breath. Derek put a hand on my knee.

"You don't have to, Mer, I can," He whispered.

"No. You weren't conscious half the time," He also wouldn't know what I did and didn't want to tell his mother.

He nodded.

"Gary Clark," The name sent shivers through my body, "was the husband of a braindead patient who he had to unplug. Derek, Lexie, and Richard Webber were all on her case. He came into the hospital and asked around to Derek's office. He said he only came to kill Derek, Lexie and Richard. But he killed twelve people, injuring eighteen more,"

Carolyn gasped at the numbers.

"Eventually he found his way to Derek's office, and Clark shot him in the chest, then left. I found Derek and Cristina and I brought him to the OR where she was forced to operate with Jackson to save his life,"

Derek shifted closer to me in his seat, trying to provide some comfort as Carolyn gazed intently at me, waiting to me to continue. 

"They made we wait in the scrub room. But when Owen Hunt walked into the OR to help, I heard Clark's voice through the door. So I got up and walked in. Clark was in there, holding a gun to Derek and Cristina and demanding that she stop fixing him so he would die,"

I felt the usual tears start to build up behind my eyes, but I had done enough crying that day. I forced them back.

"Uh, to make Clark leave before he killed anyone else, Jackson unplugged Derek from the heart monitor to make it look like he died, and Clark left. After he left they plugged him back in and finished the operation. After that, Derek's recovery was pretty smooth," I finished. 

Carolyn frowned, the pity in her face overwhelming.

"And you saw? You watched him flatline and thought he was actually dying?" 

Suddenly I was back in the OR. I was reliving it, watching everything go down once again. I shuddered. The flatline echoed in my ears, and I was ready to start crying when I felt a squeeze on my arm.

Derek jerked me back into reality, Carolyn was still staring at me, waiting for me to respond to her question.

"Y-yes. I watched him die," I managed, my voice small. 

"You poor thing, I'm so sorry,"

I half-smiled, "I don't need to be felt sorry for. I...I'm in therapy now, I guess,"

"Of course," She nodded.

"Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to take a shower, everyone should be home soon," I said, standing up from the table and walking quickly up to the master bedroom. 

I turned on the water in the shower, but never got in. Instead I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands, trying to collect myself. After about ten minutes I heard I soft knock at the bathroom door.