I have a real issue.
When people say nice things about me, I don't believe them.
It doesn't matter if it's about how I look, a recent accomplishment, an idea I had, or even just on foods I cooked.
When people compliment me, I think they're lying or somehow, hmm or that they mean well but don't recognize that what I've done is actually not that good.
When someone says to me,
"Wow, your outfit looks amazing today!"
I deflect. I'll say,
"thanks –I don't know, I guess I like it." I don't think it's amazing or good sometimes.
When you tell me something I have done is ‘good’.
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that is a judgement. Yes, it’s a positive judgement, but still a judgement.
I don’t need u to judge me as worthy or unworthy.
I just need you to see me, to notice me. I’m not trying to live up to your standards. I just want to be me, and accepted for that.
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Please don’t praise me, because then I feel like I can’t disappoint you.
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If I am always ‘good’ and ‘brave’ and ‘kind’ and ‘nice’ and a ‘winner’, I feel like I have to keep living up to your standards. I have to keep being the person u think I am.
And what if I’m not? What if some days I feel grumpy? What if I feel scared? Am I no longer ‘good’? Am I a disappointment? How can I ever tell you how I really feel when it might disappoint u? That’s too risky.
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Please don’t praise me, I feel like your love is conditional.
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When u praise me I feel like u are seeing only my achievements and not the real me.
I feel as though I must earn your love through what I do and how I behave.
I feel like I have to keep doing more and more and better and better for you to notice me.
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Please don’t praise me, it feels like control.
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When I am ‘good’ because I do the things you want me to do, it feels like control and pressure. I know you sometimes use those words to ‘encourage’ me.
I don’t need to be constantly encouraged to be a ‘good’ person. I need you to know that I already am.
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Please don’t praise me, that’s not what I need.
All I need is for you to see the real me, to feel connected to you, for you to share in my joy & accomplishments. All I need is an authentic relationship, not one based on control.
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I know the praise habit is hard to kick.
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