Red Desire | Kylo Ren x Reader

Not Worth Your Time

Each second, of every hour, of every day, of every week, had felt like hell without you.

It sounded quite dramatic when Kylo thought about it like that. Pathetic even. If someone would have told him a year ago that he would be feeling like this about someone, he probably would have sliced their head off. Probably would have enjoyed doing it too.

And look at where he was now.

Fuck, it made him sound whipped. Completely wrapped around your finger. Intoxicated off of you like you were a drug that he couldn't resist.

He was addicted; as much as he didn't want to admit it.

It had been over a month. A month since he held you in his arms. A month since he left you lying in your bed to walk down those never-ending hallways. A month since Snoke had forced him to do the last thing he had ever wanted to do. A month since absolutely everything had changed.

Changed for the worse.

When he blinked his eyes open that morning, he knew something was off. He could feel it. The energy that was radiating all the way from the throne room was suffocating. It was cold and unforgiving. Made him feel like he was drowning. It was so intense he was sure you could probably sense it.

He knew that what he would be walking into wouldn't be pleasant; not at all. But he didn't have a choice. He couldn't avoid what was to come as much as it terrified him.

Holding your sleeping body close to his, he tried to absorb your scent. Soak in the feeling of being close to you. Relish in the comfort that you brought him.

Why hadn't he said anything to you? Said anything about what was going on. Warned you.

Well, that would have made too much damn sense. 

At the time, it seemed like a better idea to not tell you anything. Keep you in the dark. Keep his secrets from you. Keep you from worrying about it all. Keep you from getting involved and getting hurt.

Maybe if he had said something, things wouldn't be like they were now.

Maybe you'd still be his.

Maybe he wouldn't feel this gut-wrenching feeling.

The feeling of hopelessness.

His brief goodbye to you that morning was seared into his memory. Kylo would have given anything and everything to go back and change things. Change how things had happened.

Instead, he had put on a fake happy face and left you there. Left you to walk through those dark shiny hallways that seemed to be sucking him directly towards the coldness. It was radiating through his entire body making him tremble.

Just like the last time he had a meeting like this; he was incredibly nervous. He had never given Snoke a reason to punish him before. At least, not willingly. Had he gotten verbally and physically abused by his Master in the past? Yes.

But this was different. You were different. This entire situation he was in was different.

He had willingly gone against Snoke's orders to cut off his ties with you and he now had to pay the price of doing that.

He should have never gotten involved with you. Should have never even given you the time of day when he walked into that medbay. Should have never ever let things get this far.

He knew it was risky from the start.

And yet, he had given in. He had given in to the temptation. He had been willing to risk it all to be with you.