Insomnia • Akutagawa x Reader x Atsushi

12

Buried in your memories, a winter colder than usual in the city slums, you remember a time when you felt a longing for someone you never got to know, though your hesitancy to act always haunted you even then.

It was snowing lightly, the first and last snow of the season that year, while you had been tasked to find food again for the children of the slums; however, due to the weather, there was hardly anyone outside you could find willing to give you something, much less anything in the fields to steal from. Venturing closer to inner Yokohama, your nose red from the nipping frost, hands uncovered and your coat hardly thick enough for the weather, you had stumbled across a large, old looking building, large, black metal gates blocking you from going any closer to look. Out of curiosity, you go and hold on to the bars keeping you away, the building radiating light from inside and getting a sigh out of you as you close your eyes and imagine the warmth of a fireplace to keep you from the cold, a blanket around you and warm food in front of you.

Opening your eyes, you realize there's a few children playing outside now, an adult at the door of the building watching over them with boredom in his eyes, your presence at the gate going unnoticed. The children can be heard laughing together as they marvel at the small snowflakes falling from the sky, though if you look closer they share the same emptiness you do as they try to find the small joys in their little activities to save them.

Continuing to gaze wistfully, your [e/c] eyes finally land on a small boy separated from the rest of the children, his white hair matching the winter all around, his wide eyes of two colours watching everyone as if he had just been crying and was much too timid or afraid to ask to join in. His clothes seems thinner than the rest of their's as well, and as you study him further your heart only aches more, you instinctively wanting to reach over and take his worries away, your ability begging to be used. Still, the gates would never let you and you know this world you're watching isn't yours. You already have the children back in the slums waiting for you to help them...and the two siblings that had learned to count on you expecting you to come back to them.

Suddenly, the boy's eyes meet yours, the timid glimmer in his warm eyes disappearing for a moment as he looks you over with the same curiosity you had held previously, white hair covering his face as the wind picks up all around, the sky getting darker. You let go of the metal bars, cold hands dropping to your side as you feel heat rushing to your cheeks in embarrassment of being caught watching, your envy flickering in your expression as the children are being called back inside to the warmth to protect them, though you aren't sure what exactly goes on behind those walls.

You want to call out to the boy when he turns away from you for a moment to look at the man gathering everyone again, but your intentions and words are forgotten and caught up in your throat as he glances back at you, regret being shared by the both of you as you begin to step away while he tries to take a step towards you.

'This isn't my world. If I talk to him I'll only feel worse. I'll want things not meant for me'

You turn away and quickly cross the streets, placing more distance without a second look back, trying to concentrate on getting back and hopefully not empty handed, though your thoughts wander back to the boy around your age, the way his eyes held burdens similar to yours yet still shine with so much sympathy and kindness, the way he was willing to disobey the man calling to satisfy his curiosity at seeing you and how he had looked on the brink of tears.

'His hands were probably warm...or at least, they'd feel warm in mine. I wonder who he is...'

Your wonder didn't last for too long as your mind pushed away those thoughts of warmth to keep away the envy from eating you up inside, the boy now just a dream of your youth put away for what you thought was for good.