In The Feelings

Breaking Point

Am laughing,

Am crying,

Then am crying,

And then I laugh,

It feels like I'm running mad,

But I'm still very much sane.

I'm crying now,

Everything and everyone hates me,

Then am laughing,

They hate me,

I hate them too.

Yes, I'm running mad,

Yet,I have control of my brain,

I just don't understand this feeling.

I think,

I have reached my breaking point,

I've been pushed to the edge,

So now,

Am at breaking point.

Am breaking so easily,

Am breaking just like,

Glass.

But yet am not glass,

Am human,

Yet, I am not mad,

But yet am feeling mad,

I don't think an normal anymore,

I'm very extremely crazy,

But I am in control.

I made a promise,

The beginning of this year,

Never to cry,

Yet I am crying,

My mum misunderstands me.

My dad believes my mum,

Like always,

My mum pointed her fingers at me,

Yet, I am innocent,

She hates me.

It isn't because she misunderstands me,

I think she hates me,

My best friends hate me too,

They left me alone,

Once they saw the chance to get rid of me,

They grabbed it with both hands.

Now they've pushed me to my edge.

Everything seems so funny to me,

Yet I am crying,

Everything seems so sad to me,

Yet I am laughing,

I've finally reached breaking point.

I'm deep inside already,

No one can pull me out.

Because this type of depression,

I've found out,

It's the best comfort,

Feeling so sad,

Yet laughing,

I love it.

It's like am running mad.

Once I am done with this,

Usually,

I'll wear my smile back,

And laugh with them,

But I won't be with them,

Anymore,

Because,

I am deep into depression,

And I have embraced it,

As it is,

My only source of living,

Everyone hates me now,

And I hate them too.

Different suicide attempts,

Running in my brain,

Yes, they are my source of comfort.

But once am gone,

No one will care,

Everyone will be happy,

Just like I will be deep in my grave.

I have gone so far,

I'll be away,

Away from this world,

My source of peace,

Yesterday,

I tried killing myself with sleeping pills,

My mum came in

And I hid them quickly.

It's like she knows,

But I am smart,

I won't allow her to know this time,

I'll swallow the sleeping pills immediately after this,

She'll think I am still writing,

She doesn't even know what am writing,

Am laughing,

Because,

Am so happy,

I am finally leaving.

They'll be happy too,

I know,

I'm finally leaving,

I'll free my mum of the expenses she spent on the therapist,

Yes, she'll be so grateful to me for killing myself,

I'll be so happy 6 feets under,

And I will be smiling underground,

6 feets under,

I can't wait to kill myself,

I just swallowed the pills,

I'm so excited,

Ouch,

The pain,

The pain,

The pain is welcoming,

It's comforting,

I love this pain.

I'm finally leaving,

My mum,

She's calling my name,

But I can see those black ones calling to me,

She's not supposed to call my name,

I can't answer her,

She'll suspect,

Yet I can't move to close the door,

I should have closed the door before all this.

I'm almost to the black ones.

I'm finally saying bye.

She's here,

Look at her,

She's coming,

She knows,

She's screaming at me,

I can't hear her,

I'm gone.

I'm almost to the black ones,

The black ones have held my hands,

I'll be happy with them,

And she'll be happy without me,

Bye.